Today I lost a friend.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. Shocked.. Sad.. Numb.. Calm.. Guilty. I don't really know.

I'd like to think that I deal with loss a lot better than most. Not that it makes me a better or a bigger person though. I just don't have a choice most of the time.. I guess we all don't. We just deal with it as it comes with the hope that one day it will get better.

I feel lost for some reason, and really empty.

I miss how things used to be. It's just different now.

I guess that happens though.

So.. here I am. Back again.

Last February I decided to discontinue updating this blog because I wanted to open a new one. Seven months after, all I have to show for it is an empty blog template. I had every intention of starting a new one, but like always, life happens, and I never got to write even one post.

I miss writing.

I got busy. Rather, I got so distracted doing other things that I think I could pretty much have gone without.

But here I am now, back from the dead.

Again.

Change is always good I think. 

Thank you for reading, and for sharing this with me. But for now, this is pretty much the last post you will see on this page.

Yeah, change is good.

I'm excited to be heading home, no doubt about that. Europe is fabulously wonderful and I expect to fly back here someday, hopefully with Gavin and the Boyfriend in tow for some kind of semblance of a holiday. Well, we'll see.. 

Thinking back on the 2 and 1/2 months that I've been here, I can't help but laugh at some of the funny things that I've experienced. A lot of which have happened right here at the hotel that I've come to call as "home". (I've been in bed pretty much the entire day today just resting, so at 1am Portugal time, I find myself writing the funny things so I can cheer up, and then eventually sleep.)

- All the hotel rooms here have bold red signs that say, "Nao Fumar". This of course poses a bit of a problem for us who are here because we all smoke. Furthermore, all the rooms have extremely sensitive smoke sensors that will go off even with the shower steam. Because we just couldn't be bothered to get dressed for the cold and to walk out of the hotel to get a quick smoke, we've resorted to either sticking half our bodies outside our hotel room windows to smoke (teetering as far out as we can so the sensors don't detect it), or locking ourselves in the bathroom, using the bidet as an ashtray, and then spritzing half the contents of our perfume bottles to make sure there's no evidence. This is the reason why, everytime the fire alarms go off, the first question in our minds never has anything to do with the possibility of an actual fire, but rather, "which one of us was smoking in the room and was stupid enough to let the detectors go off again this time." I normally get a ping asking, "did you set off the alarm?" I of course to this day, have always been extra careful so I've never set them off at all.

-Like any normal hotel, you as a guest have the option to not be "disturbed" by hanging on your doorknob the sign that says, "do not disturb." For some reason that concept is so totally foreign here. They DO have the signs and everything, but even with that hanging out on your door, the cleaning ladies still barge in and clean it anyway. So some of us have been woken up by the loud knocking on the door, or worse, getting walked in on while we're half undressed. And it happens all the time. You look at them and you hope they get the hint and bugger off, but nah, doesn't happen.

- The guy who mans the front desk during the night (bless his heart), is elderly, knows little to zero English, is almost always asleep after midnight, and worse, sleeps like the dead. Small European hotels have actual old school doors that are usually locked. So if you need to get into the hotel you'll have to knock. There are no doorbells. Very rarely will you find the glass sliding doors that most hotels have nowadays. Our hotel, although not very old, has both. So the glass sliding doors are found a few feet after you enter the massive old school door. After midnight, the elderly man who mans the desk (bless his heart) is literally gone from the desk and can be heard snoring from the bar area where the comfy chairs are. I guess it's kind of funny now that I think about it, but at 3 or 4am and when you're drunk from a night out and just want to crawl into bed, the last thing you want to be doing is standing outdoors in the freezing cold (and sometimes rain) and knocking on the damn door to be let in. I tell you, 40 minutes in the cold rain, drunk and knocking so hard til you bruise your knuckles is not funny after all.

Well, these are just some of the fondest memories that I have. I actually have a lot more, but I'm getting sleepy now.. so I guess blogging did help after all. I will write about them in more detail next time.

2009...

Late last year I couldn't wait for the new year to begin. I had such a great feeling about 2009, and I was really looking forward to it because I knew it would bring about change. I hoped that it would be a truly great year ahead.

2008 was nothing more but a collection of days, weeks, and months of me living day in and day out, and facing things as they come up. On the surface, it would look normal, but I guess in reality I was confused. I was getting tired, restless and I wanted change more than anything. I would get sucked in, I would play the part, put on the face, do the job and then move on without looking back. I was there.. but barely.

I am thankful, that much I know. I am very grateful still of what I have, and what I've accomplished so far. I've achieved in 4 years, what others who are much older than me, have achieved in maybe 6 or 7 years, maybe even more. As a child, and even to this day, I get to travel and see new things and places in a year that others only get to see in maybe 5 years or more. I'm not filthy rich, but I am doing a lot better compared to others. I have family, friends, a healthy and beautiful boy, and a supportive boyfriend. I am surrounded by people who care for me and who want the best for me. I am definitely grateful.

But I am ALSO still human. I will feel anger, resentment, loss, restlessness and regret like any other normal human being. I want to cry when I want to, be angry when I want to, and not always have that "everything will be fine" face in front of friends, colleagues, and family. I don't want to keep on smiling and giving my standard answer of "oh i get by", and "yeah, weekends are precious" whenever I'm asked by someone how I spend time with my son since I work at night. I want to scream and say that I hate working at night, and that I hate not having a normal life. I want to cry and stab myself when I'm asked what he did for his Christmas program or what he got for Christmas because I DON'T KNOW! I wasn't WITH him!

It's hard to always keep a straight face, to always have diplomatic answers, and sometimes it's hard to smile when you don't want to smile. I'm known for always being congenial and for always being "nice" and pleasant, but to be honest.. it's been hard.

Derailed..

To work so hard for something, to sacrifice what you hold dearest to you for something, and then to be made to feel and look like an absolute ass is just something that I am not going to stand for. I was not brought up to compromise principles, and I was definitely not born to fail. I will not do that to myself and my son.

I've decided that I can do away with the unnecessary stress and  agony, and I will stop beating myself up for things that are not under my control. I'm better and stronger than all of this, and I will now choose my battles more carefully. With that said, I now also choose to sever relationships and ties with those who don't help me grow, and nurture the ones that do. I don't need to be nice now to those who I don't want to, and to those who will stab me in  the back and say lies about me. (I do not enjoy underhanded actions at all.)

I am derailed yes, and this time I have no qualms in being honest about it. I am unhappy, disappointed, and angry with myself for allowing such craptacular things to happen. But most importantly, I regret not giving Gavin the attention that I should have given him instead.

No doubt about it, 2008 has been one of the most trying, but I guess also one of the most rewarding years for me. Both personally and professionally, this year has been the best in some aspects, as well as the absolute worst in others. I've gained some, but definetely lost some in the process.

Today, the last day of the year, I look forward to a much better year, and I can only hope and pray that it does in fact get better. (Please please please..)

Below is my usual end of year questionnaire that I got from one of my friends. Unlike last year though, this year I made a mental note to actually fill it out before the year ended, and to not fill it out during the first few days of the new year. So here goes..

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

- I attended my 1st Parent - Teacher meeting, and I played the parent this time around.

- I got on a plane and sat patiently in it (in cattle class) for over 30 hours to visit someone.. twice. I've also had to sit (impatiently this time) in US airports for over 7 hours to get to connecting flights.. twice.

- Did ACL in September.

2. Did you keep your 2008 new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2009?
I don't even remember what my new year's resolution was this year, so no, I don't think I'll make more for next year. It makes no sense, it's usually the smoking, but I don't see myself quitting entirely. I'll cut down, but not quit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year, no. But Jessie, Ice, and Abie got pregnant this year! We're expecting the babies in 2009.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, there were very close calls, but thankfully none.

5. What countries did you visit?
US (3 times this year), Singapore, Portugal, Spain, (then in terms of Airports) - Japan, Hong Kong, and Germany

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More time for Gavin and more time for myself

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

So many things happened this year on multiple scales. I don't think I can narrow it down to just 1, so I'll just go with naming months that had significant events: April, July, September and December

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Gavin started school this year so I'm really happy and proud about that. - (personally)
I got promoted, I passed this huge exam in Singapore, and I traveled for work - (professionally)

9. What was your biggest failure?

Work-life balance

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick while I was in the US in September, and I got food poisoning in November.

11. What is the best thing you bought this year?
Plane tickets

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gavin - my little boy is all grown up now!

13. Whose behaviour appalled you, and made you depressed?
There are a few.. I'd rather not name names.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gavin (tuition fees for school, and his usual stuff), Travel, and my Cellphone bill (it was catastrophic)

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Gavin starting school in June, and my trip overseas in September

16. What movie will you remember in 2008?

"Wanted" and "The Dark Knight"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. Happier or Sadder? Sadder
b. Thinner or Fatter? Fatter (the food in Europe had something to do with this of course)
c. Richer or Poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Actually make the time to be with Gavin and the rest of my family

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Get angry with incompetent people

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
Just like last year, I will not be with Gavin when I welcome in the new year. I'm still here in Europe (but I will be home in 2 weeks so I'll make up for it with my baby boy when I get home). Here in Portugal though, I'll be having dinner and drinks with some people at the hotel restaurant later on.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes, with Austin, Texas. I absolutely adore that place.

23. Did you break up with someone in 2008?
Yes.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
I watched less TV this year. I never had the time, or I was just too tired. I did like Cashmere Mafia and Gossip Girl though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hmm not really, there are people that pissed me off more this year yes, but I don't think I can say that I hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Twilight series (yes all right, I'm aware that some of you MAY gag at that)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I went to ACL this year, so that in itself was a great big musical discovery, just the whole experience of it was awesome.

28. What did you want, and get?
More travel

29. What did you want, and NOT get?
Gavin for Christmas, New Year and my Birthday (in 2009), and more time to spend with my boyfriend

30. Favorite film of this year?
Wanted, and The Dark Knight

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was alone when I turned 27 this year (away from family, close friends and the boyfriend). I was in the US for work, in the freezing cold, and wallowing in my apartment. I had gone to work that day, and then just went back home after. That was about it.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
How do I even begin to answer this.. I don't know, aside from the usual "wish I had more money" "wish I lost more weight", etc., I guess the 1 thing would have to be not missing Gavin's very 1st Christmas Progaram at school.

33. Were you able to save more money this year?
Absolutely not.

34. What kept you sane?
Gavin and my boyfriend

35. What made you insane?

Work

36. Who is your real-person crush?
My boyfriend

37. What was the sweetest thing that someone did for you in 2008?

There are several actually:

1) Took care of me when I was almost passed out and dying of fever

2) Cooked me an extremely nice and hard to prepare meal

3) Surprised me by getting on a plane to see me and spend time with me

38. Who did you miss the most?
Gavin, my parents, and my boyfriend

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My son.. each year he grows he becomes a different person

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I'm getting old.. My son is growing up. And everything you need to do as a parent kind of just falls into place after you realize that.

40. Where do you want to be this time next year?

With Gavin and my boyfriend.


LASTLY..
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Work-Life balance, NOT work-life integration

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:
A. LOVE –
Decisions will need to be made.
B. CAREER -
Decisions will need to be made.

C. LIFE -

Huge decisions will definitely need to be made.