I realized early this morning (as I nearly tripped over wires and cables, and almost knocking down a very expensive piece of equpment) just how sad our workspace is. Oli and I have been confined to a certain area of our floor space, otherwise known as storage. It's actually not supposed to be that, but it's a convenient little windowless room to dump all non beautifying items from the main floor area. Thus, we've resorted to sidestepping almost every known object to man just to get in and out of that room.

Thankfully, there are several ports located inside that room that allow us to access what we need for work, so with no other available ports outside in the main area, we had no choice but to squat and work from that small room.

It's been interesting enough.. If we're not discreetly yanking out the net cables from the 2 forlorn desktops located in there to plug into our laptops, we end up arguing with the string of users who trample in and demand that it be plugged back (so they can access the network), that we just can't give them their cables back because we too, like everyone else in our building need to work as well.

Furthermore, Oli and I are constantly at war over the temperature in that damn room. Everytime I walk in or out of that room, I pass by the air control and I set it to 22 degrees, sometimes even 24 if I'm wheezing. Whenever Oli walks in, he sets the god damn thing to 19 degrees, and then STILL complains that the temperature's revoltingly tropical.

God I miss windows, air and clutter free space.

The sun has finally had it's say.

There's something to be said for not saying anything.

Covered a lot, and uncovered a lot.

I want..

Nothing less.

I know. I don't know.

That's what I do know.

All of me.

Nothing's real until you let go completely.

Not this time.

Comparing, second guessing.

I want to see what you see.

I wanted to be..

Maybe.

Real.

People, places, and things.. thoughts that will make my day despite all the crap that goes on in my otherwise beautiful and blessed life:

(I am not being sarcastic I swear)..

[NOTE: these are NOT in any particular order]

1. Gavin
2. Family
3. Boyfriend
4. Friends
5. Spain (always)
7. Traveling
8. Orange County
9. Shopping (yes, I AM a girl)
10. Far away beachfronts
11. Via Condoti
12. Victoria Peak by night
13. Sailing (despite the queasiness)
14. Rum Coke
15. Sleep
16. Yachting
17. Sales (yes, I CAN be girly)
18. Solvang
19. Kitchen (mine)
20. Music
21. Skylines by night
22. Hugs from behind
23. White wine
24. Disneytown
25. Melrose
26. Small gestures of affection
27. Weekends
28. Mandarin Vodka
29. Mexico City
30. Exotic food


See, I feel better already.

The rain is pouring outside and the sound of it splattering, plus the cooler temperature is making me lethargic. I am rather looking forward to dinner tonight with some people though. I've psyched my mind to a steady chilled out night. And the mere thought of seafood and alcohol is making me salivate. I'm just waiting to leave now so I thought I'd blog for a bit to pass the time.

For those of you who did not understand my previous blog entry.. TOUGH. (I think I should write in Spanish more often.)

Earlier, my dad handed me an invitation that he had received to a private sale of one of the more high end department stores. It was a by-invitation only private sale open only to a select few. Apparently, I have to show the invite at the entrance to even get in. As I read the card, I thought, "Geez, isn't it funny how sales now require invitations? And private sales at that as well!" Oh well, I'll go I guess.. (hehe)

Gavin just turned 3 recently and sometimes I really just can't help but look at him in awe. He's not a baby anymore really. Whenever I think of him when I'm not with him, I still refer to him as an infant. But when I look at him, god he's now a little man. A little man who I now have straight conversations with.

Where has the time gone? Soon he'll be in school.. Amazing.

I still get scared sometimes when I think of him. If anything, Im scared to death of not succeeding as a mom.

And that, among everything else that matters, is what drives me the most.

Here's to my my Saturday night...

I don't know.

This could break my heart, or save me.

Deseo conseguir otro tatoo asi que puedo recordar. No deseo olvidarme. Deseo recordar toda mi vida. Nunca sabia.

Usted tiene que creer eso.

Please.

It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you.

Last night, I found myself dragging myself to get ready for work. I hadn't gotten much sleep during the day and there were about a million things going on in my mind. As I sit here alone outside at my terrace, and watch the slowly darkening sky cast dark shadows on my garden, about a million more thoughts come racing through my head.

Dusk. This is, and will always be my favorite part of the day. I love how the light sky slowly merges with what will soon be a dark star studded sky. It's like magic, and everytime I get the chance to witness this by being outside at dusk, I still get that tingly feeling.

Sadly, i don't really feel that now..

I woke up today to the sound of the rain splattering on my window. I opened my eyes, checked the time and immediateley groped around my bed for my phone to check my messages and missed calls. There were none. I found it highly unusual, but at the same time relieved. Disappointed I guess would be the general after feel once I had gotten up and walked towards my bedroom door. I remember asking what this day would bring me as I walked out and headed towards my son.

Hopefully something good..

During the past several days, I had witnessed a myriad of things from different people in my life. Some of these things were well and good, and some totally belied whatever good intentions were there, and quite truthfully evolved into acts of malevolence. I sit, and I just take it all in as they come, one after the other. I'm not angry, I don't think I can ever be angry. I just take it all in, and I accept.

Detached. Something that I've become through it all. Through the years, I've weathered storms (some of which were not my own) and fought my way through battles, piling armour after armour on myself for protection. Scared of falling, failing, and getting hurt.

Warriors after all, when stripped clean of their armour are still children. We all are.

I've always won though, always.. But it has detached me nonetheless.

Resigned. A state I'm in right now. Uncertain, scared, confused, sad, and at the same time unable to do anything about it. Hopeful. That tomorrow will be better. Watching.. Waiting..

Blessed. I am, despite it all. I have so many great things going on right now and if anything I am overjoyed at the chance to be able to have and experience it all. I don't think I ask for too much, and I don't think I demand for a lot either. I am so lucky to be where I am am, and to have the great things/people that surround me.

My acceptance..

I will never understand why people would go to such lengths to make others miserable. Maybe they think they're doing others a favor, or maybe their intentions were for something good and nothing less. I will never understand it at all. At the end of the day, it matters little what our intentions are. Heroes, saints and great men and women did not become such because of their good intentions. They did so by doing good, and by doing great things.

It's the deed you commited, not your intentions. Judge me by my actions, and I'll judge you by yours.

I am officially THE proud single parent of a beautiful 3 year old boy today. (Survival is my greatest achievement to date)

It's a happy day for Gavin and me!

Scared shitless though of what I can do, and what I might miss for us.

(Survival WILL BE my greatest achievement EVER)

That aside..

Waiting to leave now so I can forget the past 2 weeks.

Raspberry vodka has never looked so inviting.

Blogging while waiting.

You know, it sucks that the stuff I've been writing about lately borders on depressing and/or pathetic (funny to other people).

I just realized that I had just blabbed about the ex loves of my life with the current one. How effing weird is that.

Why?

Lost.

Bound.

Cryptic.

Deal with it.

Tough.

We're all guilty of it.

A lot of people think there is some nobility involved in telling small white lies for the sole purpose of shielding others from effing pain.

"What he/she won't know, won't hurt 'em at all."

Bullshit.

What cowardice.

That's actually enough reason for me to dance myself out the door on my ballet slippered feet, and forget...

Omission is more than a white lie.

Don't patronize me please.

Flowery words and soothing tones will not make me erase what I already know. They're after all just words on our effing digital screen.

Trust? Earn it.

Respect? I demand it.

Love? Prove it.

How old do you think I am, 12?

Dan told me earlier (in the middle of my incessant sorrow), "When it rains, it really pours." And boy does it really...

Everything just seems to happen all at once. Fo what reason, I have no effing idea.

Despite it though, it comforts me that I have sensible people around me who can, and who have been monumental in helping me keep my insanity level at bay. Staples like smoke breaks in hidden areas (far away from prying eyes and ears) are always welcome treats, as well as bitch fests to one another via chat (eventhough we're all 6 feet away from each other).

At the end of the day though, it's still my call. Meaning, whatever anyone says to me, and whatever advice I may have gotten, the decision will still lie with me. It'd still be my call.

Today's a bit of a slow day, hence the time to uh, write.

I swear, everything just seems to happens all at the same time.

I have very little time to make big life changing decisions, and it doesn't comfort me at all. It's a bit unfair I think, but then again, when was life always fair? I can't "snappy decision" myself out of this one.. and I don't want to either.

I just wish I knew more. I wish I had visibility to plans, I wish I had promises to look forward to. I see nothing at all.

I feel as if I have to please everyone, and that's my nature I guess, I always try to give everyone what they want just so everyone stays happy. But has anyone ever asked me what I wanted? Has anyone ever tried to even figure out what I'm not saying, but want to say? Why do I always have to spell it out?

I want to get away from it all, just pack up my stuff, pick up my baby boy and just go. Wish it were that simple. Sadly, it isn't. How I wish it were though..

Yeah yeah, it's my call I know.

Tacky.

My favorite word to use in reference to people who do stupid and inane things, like waste too much time in paying too much attention to what's going on in my life. (I'm not referring to friends who really care about me, I'm referring to irrelevant people who just seem to take interest in my life for no reason at all)

It would be so unlike me to dish out the personal details on my life in this blog for the entire public to devour and relish. (That would be tacky.)

I however, am in the mood to write at this moment, and because I have some time to do that right now, I've decided to spend a few minutes on this. I guess from my 1st paragraph, you'd have already guessed that something was up.

When I first started this blog, it was just a place really where I could write and dump all my uh, inane thoughts and random musings. I never really thought that people would actually have any interest in reading this. Through the months though, I've realized that there were apparently quite a number of people who'd actually read this.

I've had to resort to cryptic posts because of it, and it's quite funny now because I myself don't even remember sometimes what I was even referring to at that time. But that aside, it's okay I guess because at some point I documented whatever it was that was going through my mind.

I had to apologize to someone the other day for a post that I had recently published that had negative undertones. I explained that I never delete anything that I write, whether or not I had meant what I said at that time. Oftentimes I'll cringe, or maybe laugh at the stuff I've written in the past, but stupid or not, I won't delete it as a testament to whatever it was that I was going through at that time.

So with that said..

Last week was crazy, insane, a bit stupid, and surprisingly painful (in all effing aspects of the word). Stuff happened, things were said, perceptions were shattered, and minds were changed (like mine for instance).. I'm the type of person who sometimes makes snappy decisions based on actions that were done. And last week, I nearly almost walked away from something that was really important to me. It was a snappy decision that I had made, and then after much thought (and alcohol), decided against it.

Well, I guess I have yet to decide again. I just need to think and weigh between my tolerance of intellect (in this case, the lack of it), and the trust factor that for some reason was so unkindly placed upon me (and which I think is overrated).

See, I believe that every action, thought and feeling is motivated by an intention, and that intention is a cause that exists as one with an effect. We are held responsible for every action, thought and feeling then.. it's our intentions that spell out everything.

This uber sucks.

Stupid stupid stupid me..

What an idiot I've been.

What a waste.

Ugh.