I am beyond annoyed. I've been trying to sleep for the past 2 hours now after a very uncomfortable 4 hours of shut eye (only), that I even had to force due to an unnatural high courtesy of large quantities of imbibed alcohol. Naturally I am cranky and irritated with the world.

I could certainly do without my next door neighbour blasting music from his terrace, or the power cutting out for an hour earlier. I could do without this humidity, and the inconsistent way the rain spatters on the roof just when you're about to sleep. I could do without unecessary work-related tasks, and the unecessary fights with ex boyfriends over the most inane things. I could do without pathetic excuses, and delays in terms of just about everything. I could do without this effing headache, and this effing cell phone that just doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I could do without immaturity, the lack of responsibility and stupidity. I could do without the stress, the back ache and fact that I look haggard because of all of this. I could do without the guilt from the fact that I've had to "outsource" the task of raising my chid to someone else because I have to effing work at night in (ironically) the outsourcing industry. I could do without the fact that I can't be with him when he needs me, or when I need him. And I could so do without this whining.. but I just had to.

Sigh, I guess I'll go sleep now.

Working during ungodly nocturnal hours on weekdays can become a pain on your weekends. Especially if you've decided to stay in, and everyone you want to catch up with at home ends up, well.. asleep. I'd like to be able to spend as much time with Gavin as I can, especially on the weekends, but I'm just dead tired when I get home Saturday morning. I know it's not an excuse, but sometimes I really wish that the set up was a bit different so I actually have some semblance of quality of life.

I spent a total of 18 hours in bed last Saturday recuperating after working almost an accumulated 80 hours during the week. I woke up with a massive headache, and with the most excruciating back pain I've ever felt in my life. Not even calls and texts from him made the pain go away. I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame..

So now, I find myself awake as my entire house slumbers. I keep thinking of the work that I have yet to complete this week, and I want to kick myself for even thinking about it. To get myself out of that, I browsed through the usual slew of blogs that I read, and found this inane survey in one of them that I will post as well, due to, well.. insomnia.

1. current mood: bored (which is what i think everyone who answers this survey feels at the time of answering this)
2. thing you'd like to do right now: sleep, but i'm not sleepy anymore
3. last site you visited: gmail
4. last person you chatted with/sent an email to: JM - chat
5. last thing you ate: chocolate ice cream
6. day walker or night crawler: both, but my preference would be day walking
7. current attire: sleep wear - pink tank top and white boxers (duh im at home)
8. last movie you watched: 300 on dvd
9. comfort food: beef sinigang, and mexican food (not together mind you)
10. drink of choice: rum coke, mandarin vodka, and white wine
11. place you'd rather be at right now: any white sand beach where happy hour starts at 1pm
12. last thing you splurged on: (haha, let's not even go there..) *secret*
13. favorite day attire of choice: linen pants, any tank top and my metallic brown and gold havaianas
14. last song you heard: Big Girl's Don't Cry
15. Mac or PC: mac (for all creative graphic-related stuff), pc (for ms office - just because i work on faster on it)
16. current car in possession: silver honda crv
17. dream car: the new 2007 honda crv (either black or silver)
18. worst valentine's gift received: flowers (so generic, no creativity at all, i would rather get sweets or something, flowers die)
19. worst christmas gift you've ever given anyone: recycled fruit cake (hehe)
20. best gift you've ever received: Gavin
21. best gift you've ever given: a second chance
22. most expensive item you've ever purchased: black skirt from BCBG, watch from Hermes (because it had a big H), boots from Kenneth Cole
23. favorite relaxing activity: staying under a hot shower for an hour, sleeping on the plane, cooking
24. guilty pleasure: 1 hour hot showers, lounging during happy hour at the beach, staying in bed the whole day, spoiling Gavin, Victoria's Secret underwear, Haagen Dazs belgian chocolate ice cream, him, splurging on bath stuff
25. favorite thought: Gavin and um, him

Exhaustion has become a daily part of the day now. In fact I'm too tired to even think of words to describe this physical and mental fatigue.

I just realized that for this entire year, I've only taken a total of 7 days off work, 4 of which were due to sickness, and 1 that I even came in for half a day. If you look at it though, I've put in a total of 6 days this year that were weekends. So it just cancels my leaves out I think.

Does that make me a hero? Hell no..

Just stupid and pathetic.

3 weeks ago, our "command center" aka known as the storage room, got a miraculous make-over..

(READ: JM and Roy decided to clean it up by arranging the equipment by the wall so there could be an actual path to and from the door)

Over the last few days though, more non beautifying items from the main floor area were unceremoniously dumped in again. So it's back to sidestepping again..

As you can see, I've had to pass this mini obstacle course just to get to my seat, and yes, that really is the only floor space available for walking.

*sigh*

Life is in the details.

I realize tonight (as I munch on this exorbitantly overpriced chocolate walnut cookie that I got at this benefit I attended - and which tastes burnt by the way) that everything really has to do with the details.

Meaning, I should give importance to every little thing, whether I see it as relevent or not at any given point in time. And that's what I would expect in return from those around me as well. Admittedly, sometimes I do forget about the smaller details, not realizing that collectively, they are parts of a whole.

In today's day and age, it's more convenient to just take things at face value because it's easier on the conscience. At the end of the day though, what will matter, and what will define us, are the principles and beliefs that we live by.

"It's complicated" - pertaining to relationships where people are "kind of" together.. but "technically" or "officially" aren't.

I used to think that this was the most bullshit statement in the world, but somehow through the years, I've willed my mind and my conscience to accept that maybe such a thing, this "technicality" does exist after all. I realized weeks ago that despite my skill and expertise in justifying that it IS a reality, it really isn't. But I guess if placed in a situation wherein you're forced to choose your actions, playing the "it's complicated" card becomes an easy convenience because you can get a piece from both pies, and still be able to sleep at night. It's unfair, absurd, and totally selfish.

"We're friends" - pertaining to ex-lovers who are attempting to be purely platonic after a break up.

This is actually debatable to death, and I guess COULD BE a possibility only if the maturity level of each is such where the words, "purely platonic" are clearly defined and lived by both. It's only natural to want to maintain that degree of closeness that used to be shared, I mean I don't think there's really anything wrong there. But following pure logic, and looking at the psychology of humans, we attempt to do it only because we're so used to that other person.. the familiarity of it all, the security that used to be there, and the comfort it used to bring.

I'd like to think that I've been around long enough to see most of it all.. and I'd like to think that I'd be jaded by all the bullshit, but somehow it still does hurt. And I find myself still ignoring the details (or it is pretending that they don't exist) not for the sake of my conscience, but for the protection of my heart.

"Life isn't about the number of breaths you take.. but the moments that take your breath away.."

It does sound cheesy, but it IS true as hell.

I have the most interesting conversations with Gavin. At 3, he certainly can converse, and even retort back as he sees fit. I'm still in awe, still amazed, and still very scared all at the same time. Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh or cry when he tells me that he loves me because he loves me, or that he misses me because he misses me..

Kids don't undertsand malice. Whenever they say anything, it's totally pure. They don't say things to hurt, or to get even. They say things as they feel it. Earlier, Gavin came over for a hug and as I hugged him to my chest he said, "you're always leaving me, and i cry because when i call your name, you don't answer".

My heart broke.. and it will continue to break still everytime I have to kiss him goodbye because I have to leave for work. When I had decided to become a single mom, I had carved this fate on us, on him. I would give anything to be able to spend my every waking moment with him. I want it so bad it hurts.

But I just can't right now. And that hurts even more.

I'm too tired right now to write properly, but my mind seems to be on crack so try as I might to sleep, I just can't. I'm really tired though, drained would be the proper word - both pysically and emotionally. I just ended a 14 hour work day. To think it's only the first day of the week (sigh).

I realized earlier, just how much in my life I've put off over the past 2 and 1/2 years. Things that were really really important to me just somehow took a back seat as I focused on my then new career. Working in the industry that I'm currently in, was just something I never really thought I'd be good at. I never even knew anything about it til the day I joined. Admittedly, it was something I excelled in, and enjoyed. I was going through quite a bit then so I threw myself at work just to keep my mind off it. It's paid off I believe. I'm proud of what I've achieved and the things I've learned from the great people I met.

But now I'm tired, as in really tired.

I've been running on full steam, keeping up with the dynamics of my job and the fast pace it thrives in. I've always run on full speed and always kept up with everything. But now I've lost steam, and unknowingly I've slowed down. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd come to a complete stop, but now I want to. I'm dead tired.

I want to do more of the things that I've always planned to do.. the things that I've put off. But I can't right now I guess.

Gavin.. I owe him.. Not an obligation, but a choice.

1) I hate the color purple. I don't wear it, I don't use it. Ever.

2) I want to take up photography.

3) Poetry is not my favorite medium of art. (READ: i don't like it) Except if you merge music with it (thus becoming what is usually called a "song").

4) I'd pick action flicks any day over chick flicks.

5) I happen to like Target. (oh my god, yes)

6) I love Jerry Bruckheimer like anything!

7) I hate dirty fingernails.

8) The 1st thing I notice in a guy are his eyes and then his IQ.

9) I used to like New Kids on The Block in their heyday (groan).

10) I am deeply fascinated by the night stars.

11) I always fall recklessly in love despite what I say (or show).

12) I've always had the secret fantasy of a modern day prince charming crooning "Everything" by Lifehouse to me by the beach, and then professing his undying love to me after.

13) I find the lives of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan fascinating (not in the sense where I want their lives mind you, it's just great entertainment).

14) I consider sweetened cereal and milk dinner, and ice cream breakfast.

15) I want Gavin to be the next president of the United States.

Early this morning, while I was downing my usual rum and coke, I happened to glance at the throng of clubbers getting in and out of their cars a few feet away from our table, all gung ho to intoxicate themselves silly. It was freaking 1am and there was traffic right next to where I was sitting..

Manila after all is the city that never sleeps. Thus all modes of transportation would be up and running 24/7. Despite the merry making surrounding me though, It felt cold for some reason.

I got into a car and thought - car queues, bus stations, cab lines, train stations and especially airport terminals are sad and cold places for me. More often than not, they denote goodbye's.

Maybe someday, these transport hubs will become happy places when it returns someone I love to me.

I'd been having a really great week this week, until today, the last day of my effing working week.

The day started out really great. I was in a great mood. I came in early, I had sent out the necessary emails early on during the day, and before I stepped out for dinner, had already read and responded to 80% of the new messages in my inbox. I felt like I was on top of my game. During the latter part of the day though, someone at work made a comment about a deliverable (or rather an expectation of me) that I had admittedly set aside for later, and eventually ended up accidentally puting off (like so many other things in my life). I felt like crap. Everything went downhill from there.

I went back to my "command center" (aka storage room), pulled up my inbox, and downloaded a slew of emails that put a lot of anxiety on my mind. For a couple of hours I was trying really hard to work with a heavy feeling on my chest. Because of that, I ended up sending the wrong attachments to clients, and would not even have known about it until one of them had replied. I was effing slipping. My mind was everywhere and nowhere.

On the personal front, I was anxious and worried sick because someone I really cared about was upset and lonely, and I just couldn't effing be there. That was the effing icing on the cake. My mind nearly shut down after that, and I ended up just being quiet for most of the day.

While working on a document that I was supposed to send in, I couldn't handle it anymore so I walked out of the office and took a stroll outside the building, hoping that the loud honking from the busy street would distract me and keep me from bursting into tears.

I hated the feeling. It just wasn't fair. I went back up feeling even worse because it just felt effing lonelier outside in the dark.

I was on a high this entire week. And then all of a sudden, today, it felt like I got yanked from where I already was and then slammed hard on the ground. There's always some reason to feel not good enough. And I don't appreciate it one bit.

Thankfully, maybe by some divine intervention, my fingers accidentally slid over and launched a photo application on my laptop. These were the 1st 2 pictures that I saw.

These were taken last January 14 of this year, my birthday... Gavin was only 2 then, and at the stroke of midnight, I woke him up so I could spend my birthday with the most important person in my life (he was sleepy so that's why his eyes are closed in one pic). I love these pictures. I think it captures exactly what, or who I am.. a one man army, with a little guardian angel to always guide me, keep me in check whenever I stray, or whenever I fight battles that aren't even effing mine.

He really is the best decision by far that I have made in my life.

And that's all that matters.

And just like, I finally smiled...

Cheese!