I have just had what could possibly be the worst day of my life. Ever.

Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and worse.. went wrong on a greater scale!

I've traveled about a hundred times in my entire life, and NEVER have I experienced such torture as what I had to go through yesterday.

It was an absolute nightmare.

I now have to rethink my views, AND my son's loyalty to this goddamn country.

Such an uneducated, narrow minded, and idiotic race...

(Permit me to be a bit discriminatory as I was a victim of discrimination AND racism yesterday. So back off and let me have my vent space, small as it already is.)

I was having a conversation with Gavin sometime this week, trying to get him to understand that his much anticipated Trick or Treating wouldn't then happen for a few days, and he just asked me, "Then when, tomorning?" It was so funny and so cute, and I gave him a big hug because it was a pleasant surprise. He really is growing day by day, getting smarter and wiser as well with each conversation that we have. He retorts just like a big kid does, and I guess you can say he really does get his own way most of the time. What's cuter is that unlike other kids who'll most probably end up throwing a tantrum, he'll reason out and justify everything himself until he gets what he wants. Oh well, what my Gavin wants, Gavin obviously gets.

Sigh, I'll miss my little man, my little angel..

I hop onto a plane early tomorrow morning and i'll be gone for quite a long period of time. In fact I'll be missing Christmas and New Year's with my family.. as well as my birthday. I'm really sad about that, and I'm sure I'll be bawling like a baby when I leave the house tomorrow morning.

I wish I could always be with him.. How I wish the world, and this so called life never gets in the way. I wish I was a stay at home mom! I honestly wouldn't mind the domesticated life.. (Well, okay maybe I would mind just a little bit). But sadly, I don't think there's such a thing as a stay at home single mom, so I've given up completely on that thought.

Someday I swear..

(This picture was taken the day after I got back from Australia. He saw my camera and asked me to take our picture. Although it's a bit blurry, I kind of love it for the simple reason that he asked me to take it, but yeah it's kind of a bit blurry.. and we were in my bathroom. Hahaha)

I am..

..psyched that I can take Gavin trick or treating this year as he always looks forward to it
..amazed at the amount of treats that my mom has gotten to give out for this year
..sad that I wasn't able to get him a really great costume though (he's going as Winnie the Pooh this year)
..pissed of with myself for not picking up this kid's costume that I saw in this toy store in Australia
..trying to find our Halloween decor but Gavin's former yaya (who is now in Dubai) didn't tell me where she kept it
..so loving the fact that I can actually take Gavin trick or treating this year (I was supposed to leave for the US today, but I pushed my flight back to Monday - good move)

TRICK OR TREAT!

Background: I had just received some good news about an hour ago regarding a trip that I was supposed to make on the weekend, and so I was momentarily pulled out of my frantic oh-no-what's-the-time-gotta-do-about-a-million-more-things-before-I-leave mode.

A few of the hundred things I like doing when I'm trying to relax is either read, write, listen to music or look at modern art. It's momentary bliss in my hectic day. (For some ironic reason though, coming home after a busy day and knowing that I've done a lot of productive work is relaxing too.)

Owning a blog myself, I have a list of interesting blogs that I normally visit. It's relaxing to read what other peope write, and to figure out why they write about whatever topic, or even why they write the way they do.

I was browsing one of my favorite blogs and I came across a link to this one, called Sugar Frosted Goodness that had all these interesting artworks and illustrations.

http://sugarfrostedgoodness.blogspot.com/

Another one to add to my growing list of de-stress reads online.

Gavin literally is a little man now. I can't believe how much he's grown in 2 weeks. Although I initially felt that I haven't really missed as much, I now know that I have. Every moment away from him is quite literally, me missing a lot. I really didn't know it was going to be this hard being a single parent. (I don't think there are any self-help books on this one as well.) Although I'm quite proud of what I've accomplished in terms of "raising" my little man, I don't think I'll ever be content or satisfied with what I can give him.

I want to do so much more for him. And I know that I can if I just work on it some more.

Quite literally.

I had someone ask me about my previous post the other day, and for the life of me, did not know how to answer. Not that I wanted to keep or hide anything, I just didn't know how to explain it in a way where it didn't sound "wrong".

2 days ago, it was a different thing, and now today, when all of a sudden big important projects loom overhead, things are a bit different again.

Pawns.. players.. games.. it just goes in one circle. Not that it's a vicious one mind you, just a really interesting one.

Realities.. something that someone had asked me about. It's a bit different than what I'd perceived it to be. Immersion in it just jolts. I don't think this one bit me in the ass though, well maybe a little. Surreal.. I wonder how I'll feel about all of this when I'm back in mine. But then again, despite the differences in realities, he will be, and actually already is a large part of mine. I don't know how that works out, but it does somehow.

Crossed boundaries.. again, something that someone had asked me about. Well, I'm still working this one out. But at that time, I did feel that it was crossed somehow.

I'm lost in translation again.

1) That Australia has the best lamb cutlets. Ever. (Hmm, or maybe it was the way it was cooked)
2) That I can actually survive without eating rice. Forever. (And I'm not even looking for it)
3) That being an anal/OC person when it comes to my stuff, I can actually live out of a suitcase and be fine with the fact that all my clothes in it have deep multiple creases that will probably never ever disappear.
4) That I can actually live with sharing uber precious bathroom space with pseudo strangers.
5) That I actually have the capability to bear/sit through/allow myself to be placed within a sticky kill-me-now-coz-it's-effing-tense situation, and still be ok after.
6) That I have had my limits and boundaries crossed.. but was still quite ok after.
7) That realities kill and bite you hard in the ass.. now whether or not I want to have anything to do with it.. will be for another post.

There's something about being in a far off place that makes you think about your life's events in a parallel universe. You get to see and compare a lot of things that you wouldn't have noticed or observed when in your natural environment. It's a bit weird, and a bit disconcerting to be totally honest. I don't know if I should be feeling that way, but as of this point, I do..

I had questioned my intentions and my priorities in the middle of extreme happiness and also extreme pain. I didn't know what to expect, but I guess it wasn't this. Is it better? Yeah to some extent.. Was it worse? Yeah to some extent as well.

Well that's that.

(Disclaimer: I apologize for any written inadequacies and/or the lack of profound insights. This happens when you're in both cloud 9 AND hell at the SAME TIME)

Will update this space soon...

Busy at the moment.

It's been stormy over the past weekend. Huge angry clouds loom below the dark skies, and the grounds are perpetually wet because of the rains. I normally like it when it rains, but Manila's yearly storms usually depress me. Our storms and typhoons bring about flash floods, a shitload of diseases, loss of property, and unfortunateley, death for those who aren't as lucky as others who are shielded from this destruction.

This weekend, the destruction wasn't as bad, in fact there was hardly any (which was good). I even managed to drag myself out of bed (weekends usually entail me staying IN bed for around 12 hours STRAIGHT or more), to do a little shopping, to have some really good Japanese food, and to (naturally) intoxicate myself silly with this really amazing discovery (that included a mix of 12 spirits all in a shot glass) that my gay best friend forced us to down.

Overall, it's been a great weekend.. Except for the rather disconcerting fact that I've had a multitude of disturbing dreams that cause me to wake up in cold sweat, and leave me wide awake for hours on end.

I don't know why it's happening, but it's really causing me great stress. My mind is working on overdrive, and my emotional threshold can only take so much strain.

I don't think anyone will be able to understand that level of um, pain.