It's not a fun thing to have. Trust me.

Can't say that I'm not looking forward to being in Portugal again. It'll be good to be in this environment for a bit of time. It sure is pretty. I loved Porto.

I wish the blinds in my bedroom were thicker and darker so I could sleep better. My sleeping patterns will never be normal, not while I continuously try to trick my body clock into thinking that night is day, and day is night. I'm notorious among the people I work with for always being awake and around. It shits them to no end when they get emails from me even after I've long gone home and am supposed to be in bed.

Last year, I got into a minor car accident and suffered small bruises and a mild concussion from it. 4 hours after I was released from the emergency room for patching up, I was back at work. It sounds pathetic now that I think about it. It certainly doesn't make me a hero and I'm definitely not richer because of it. It was just something I did because it felt right.

People are motivated and driven by different things that they think are important to them. It could be family, friends, money, power, etc. I am motivated and driven by just 1 reason and 1 reason alone.. not a what, but a who - Gavin. He is the only reason and drive for this (my) madness of a screwed up work-life balance. I'm not a victim, and I'm not a slave being asked to do something against my will - it is wholly my choice. He is my choice.

I've said this time and again. I admire single parents who work their asses off to be able to give their kid/s a good life. It's far from easy and it takes a lot. Sometimes it entails sacrifices like missing christmases, birthdays and the like.. And trust me, that's not easy to do.

It disappoints me when my intentions and motivations are questioned and when I am judged unfairly.. as a person, as a girlfriend, as a friend maybe.. and as a mother. It's just not fair at all.

"Justice tempered with mercy."

This is probably one of the most ironic (oxymoronic.. feel free to interpret as you wish) statements I've ever heard, and it surprisingly came from the mouth of a lawyer. The judicial system in the Philippines is anything but fast, and worse, everything else but fair. It kind of makes you lose whatever is left of the hope you had in your, um, soul.

Oli, Roy and I spent around 8 hours yesterday going through lawsuits, case studies, discussing law definitions, and arguing over what we thought was right or wrong in terms of how the law was applied. I was appalled with a lot of the cases we talked about, and even more appalled at the inconsistency of it all. It was an interesting day and my mind just went into overdrive. I was quite surprised with myself actually, I was already on my second shift and was running on just 1 large cup of coffee, and yeah baby I survived! (Woohoo!)

It does nothing for my health of course.. But all things being equal, yesterday was a good day for my brain to go into overdrive. I wanted to be anything but idle, and nothing less than insanely busy. So I was of course.

I've always believed that the way (how) a person reacts when shit hits the roof is telling of that person's character. How you are, what you say, and how you react during highly stressful situations is a true test of your character, and sadly a lot of people don't deal with this very well. It's understandable I guess. When you're stressed, freaked out, worried, angry, frustrated, possibly scared (depending on the situation), and generally just upset, you tend to say or do things that you normally would not had you been thinking straight. It's sad really and always disconcerting, but true enough.

It takes a lot of intellectual maturity and emotional stability to keep your head screwed on when you're freaking out. Sometimes I fail (hey I'm only human), but there are times when I (very proudly) don't.

I'll say it straight out. And you can judge me for all I care. I have very little tolerance for highly intelligent people who crumble when faced with intense pressure. It's harder when it's personal in nature of course and I totally understand this (duh, look at me). I don't look down on it of course, but I really don't like it at all and I guess given a choice, I would prefer not to associate myself with people like that.

On a more personal note, and this I tell to all my friends (both guys and girls), if you willingly choose someone who will crumble and fail you when you guys are in a highly stressful situation, then deal with it, shut up, and don't complain and cry in front of me.

There are so many idiotic things that I can, and in fact, have already tolerated in my life. I'm more patient than most, and kinder than a lot of people who would, when faced with idotic things, either turn their nose up in the air, or verbalize nasty words out of disgust. I on the other hand, will tolerate it to some point and try to work out a better solution or alternative out of that idiotic situation.

I'll give you a simple example: I come to work everyday, roughly at the same time, carrying the same equipment/machines (or whatever) that I need EVERY SINGLE DAY. I always come in with my 2 laptops, in my same old boring black backpack. The contents don't change at all. Everyday, I pass through the same guards at the SAME security checkpoints, and EVERY SINGLE goddamn day, I'm asked whether or not I have a laptop, and if I do, if they can freaking check it. It's beyond idiotic and yet I paste a smile on my face, and I tolerate it. The company I work for does not take security lightly and who in fact take it to an extreme. It takes us more than a smile and a "good morning" to get through. I tolerate it because it's a policy set in stone that we all must abide by. Fine.

Idiotic things that I will REFUSE to tolerate though, would be things that just defy common sense and logic. Things like my credit card bill not being paid for on time, or our IT department telling me it was my fault that I did not receive an important email from them WHEN THEY HAD MY LAPTOP IN THE 1sT PLACE because THEY SAID it needed repair, and the worst, emails sent to me asking me to explain why on god's gay earth I was in a certain country at a certain time for business, when BY PROCESS, I would not have been able to even leave the damn country if I did NOT have the prior approvals FROM THEM. It's idiotic and beyond stupid.

I have had it with beaurocracy. It's a fucking curse.

The "ber" months signify a lot of things, especially when you're from this side of the world. The most popular would be OKTOBERFEST - where all of Manila's drunkards get even more drunk by intoxicating themselves silly with vast amounts of San Miguel Beer every weekend. In a country where beer is even cheaper than water on normal days, Oktoberfest season will have beer at P1 a cup. (Yeah, it's total drunk haven if you like beer.) So that's one..

Another would be the fact that Christmas here in Manila actually starts 3 months before December. As early as September, malls start to put up their Christmas decor, and cheesy Christmas carols start to blare from every damn overhead speaker. Filipinos love Christmas with a passion. We plan our whole year around it, and we work our budget to accomodate all the presents we have to give, as early as January or February (depending on whether or not you still have some cash left over after you've splurged on your Valentine's present.. if you even have one).

As for me (and this I have proven), the "ber" months signify that I'm usually a lot more broke than I was at the start of the year (duh). Either that, or I'm just a little bit heavier than I was months ago. It's totally depressing... which is why I've somehow managed to stay in bed for more than 12 hours the past few days, EVERYDAY. Plus it's been raining like crazy lately, so it's making me lethargic as hell.

Don't you just hate it when you say one thing, and it's meant to be that thing, but then others pick it up as a different thing? It's severely annoying and it's a pain having to explain yourself. Earlier on today, I was having a discussion with someone about something, and then for some reason what I had said was taken out of context, resulting in a pseudo argument, wherein a decision (a very rash one at that) was made out of spite. I guess I should never assume anything at all anymore. I thought I already had this no assumptions thing down pat, but apparently not. Oh well, lesson learned..