2009...

Late last year I couldn't wait for the new year to begin. I had such a great feeling about 2009, and I was really looking forward to it because I knew it would bring about change. I hoped that it would be a truly great year ahead.

2008 was nothing more but a collection of days, weeks, and months of me living day in and day out, and facing things as they come up. On the surface, it would look normal, but I guess in reality I was confused. I was getting tired, restless and I wanted change more than anything. I would get sucked in, I would play the part, put on the face, do the job and then move on without looking back. I was there.. but barely.

I am thankful, that much I know. I am very grateful still of what I have, and what I've accomplished so far. I've achieved in 4 years, what others who are much older than me, have achieved in maybe 6 or 7 years, maybe even more. As a child, and even to this day, I get to travel and see new things and places in a year that others only get to see in maybe 5 years or more. I'm not filthy rich, but I am doing a lot better compared to others. I have family, friends, a healthy and beautiful boy, and a supportive boyfriend. I am surrounded by people who care for me and who want the best for me. I am definitely grateful.

But I am ALSO still human. I will feel anger, resentment, loss, restlessness and regret like any other normal human being. I want to cry when I want to, be angry when I want to, and not always have that "everything will be fine" face in front of friends, colleagues, and family. I don't want to keep on smiling and giving my standard answer of "oh i get by", and "yeah, weekends are precious" whenever I'm asked by someone how I spend time with my son since I work at night. I want to scream and say that I hate working at night, and that I hate not having a normal life. I want to cry and stab myself when I'm asked what he did for his Christmas program or what he got for Christmas because I DON'T KNOW! I wasn't WITH him!

It's hard to always keep a straight face, to always have diplomatic answers, and sometimes it's hard to smile when you don't want to smile. I'm known for always being congenial and for always being "nice" and pleasant, but to be honest.. it's been hard.

Derailed..

To work so hard for something, to sacrifice what you hold dearest to you for something, and then to be made to feel and look like an absolute ass is just something that I am not going to stand for. I was not brought up to compromise principles, and I was definitely not born to fail. I will not do that to myself and my son.

I've decided that I can do away with the unnecessary stress and  agony, and I will stop beating myself up for things that are not under my control. I'm better and stronger than all of this, and I will now choose my battles more carefully. With that said, I now also choose to sever relationships and ties with those who don't help me grow, and nurture the ones that do. I don't need to be nice now to those who I don't want to, and to those who will stab me in  the back and say lies about me. (I do not enjoy underhanded actions at all.)

I am derailed yes, and this time I have no qualms in being honest about it. I am unhappy, disappointed, and angry with myself for allowing such craptacular things to happen. But most importantly, I regret not giving Gavin the attention that I should have given him instead.