I hate lag time. I despise it with an effing passion. Lag time is idle time. And when the mind is idle, it ends up thinking about all these things that anyone wouldn't really want to think about, or have time to think about on a normal busy day. Ugh, I hate idle minds. It can get really stupid. Like today for instance. What started out as an innocent and lazy conversation over lunch, suddenly turned into this in depth psychoanalysis of some sort. And I HATE it when that happens.

I am 100% convinced that women have dangerous tendencies to overanalyze and then deanalyze every little thing on this earth. It’s a pastime that I gladly do not indulge in normally because it oftentimes bores me, and, only really because I couldn’t be bothered to give any kind of smart opinion unless it was being asked for, or unless the person really needed to hear it.

(Especially when it comes to relationships.. Ugh.)

But today for some reason, I did think about it a bit, and yeah, I did analyze stuff a bit.

Isn’t it tempting to reinvent yourself when you meet somebody new who you really like.. To try and be who you think they’re looking for? It’s tempting and some people will start off that way, but can you actually do it? Nah, you couldn’t. No idiot can pull that off for long. I guess one could manage it for a night or two, or even a month maybe, but it’s going to be tough keeping it up forever. So yeah.. “pretending”.. yeah, that’s not going to happen. True colors eventually come out, and more often than not, when shit hits the roof, you’ll know what kind of person he/she truly is because of how they will react and act on things. Then you find yourself lost, and wondering what the hell happened to that person who you thought you knew... all because people pretend to be something they’re not.

On that train of thought, I then realized that it’s not so much that I reinvented myself for anyone. I think I just had a very messed up idea of what I wanted in a guy, or how he had to be. And that’s where I think everything got screwed up. I was looking for something specific in someone that really didn’t exist for that person. Or if it did, it was buried deep down inside because of, presumably, some past idiotic relationship that failed very badly, or something like that.

Therefore, I have deduced that - If your last relationship left you a bit of an emotional wreck, it’s probably best to repair that damage before you start looking for someone new. Otherwise it really wouldn’t work, you wouldn’t be able to focus, and all because you’ll still have your head in your ass, and still preoccupied with yourself.

There is danger in that though, especially for a lot of women like me who think that anything (change, etc) is possible if they "try hard enough". And I just realized this now while I was on lunch! Even if one could find the perfect partner, that "perfect partner" would only be ideal for who you are right now, and that’s not really who you‘ll be forever is it?

So with that, I’ve come to terms with what I know I really want.. With the fact that I really don’t need nor want guys who need looking after, or who are fragile because of some traumatic experience in their past. I like strong independent men who can come out of a bad situation severely scarred, but whole, dignified and honorable in every sense of the word.

And you know what, I had just that after all. I'm one of the luckier ones.. *blush*