Heidi's Charmed Life

Moving Space

2011-02-04T03:03:00.001+08:00

So I'm moving on, and pegging my thoughts elsewhere on cyberspace. (And I know I've said this before but I just never do it.)

It'll be a nice change..

www.frootloopyheidi.blogspot.com

Such is Life.. Oh well

2011-01-26T22:05:00.001+08:00

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." - Joseph Conrad

It's extremely sad and disgusting how cruel people can get nowadays. When, and why the hell did we ever stop believing that human life was sacred and precious anyway? Why have we started to torture and kill each other, and think that that's ok? Some people get off on that stuff. It's disgusting.

Of course it could be need as well. Which makes it even worse, and pathetic. I'm talking about the need of pointing a gun at someone's face just because you're poor, hungry, in need of some quick cash, or whatever.

It can (and it did), get severely traumatizing for someone like me, who is, a) a single mom, and b) the breadwinner of the family. All these thoughts and scenarios of "what if i had gotten shot" were streaming live in my head for 48 hours.

Staring down the barrel of a gun that's pointed to your face is no fun at all.

My 2010..

2011-01-03T07:20:00.003+08:00

I find myself awake extremely early today. And, after deciding that I've had enough of Facebook, I suddenly remembered that every year, I do this "list" of things for the previous calendar year. So without further ado, here we go:

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

I quit my job, and joined another company. I left my comfort zone.

2. Did you keep your 2010 new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2011?
Nope, didn't keep any, And yes, I have made new year's resolutions for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jessie.. for the 3rd time.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
US, and Singapore

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A few things.. Discipline, Self Control, and Assertiveness

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 21, 2010 (Gavin turned 6),

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My new job I guess.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Self Control

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes.

11. What is the best thing you bought this year?
Plane tickets for my entire family. We went on a much needed family trip.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gavin, and Me to some extent I think.

13. Whose behaviour appalled you, and made you depressed?
Some..

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, Trips, Shopping, and Gavin

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Our family trip to Cebu, and my Thanksgiving vacation in Singapore

16. What movie will you remember in 2010?

Inception

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. Happier or Sadder? Happier
b. Thinner or Fatter? Fatter
c. Richer or Poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with Gavin, Been more patient with people and myself, Been more assertive

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Settle

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
Well I was sick (still am actually)

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes. Falling in love all over again is wonderful. Glad it happened. It was good to remember.

23. Did you break up with someone in 2010?
Kind of.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Criminal Minds, and all the other Crime Shows

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope, I don't think so.

26. What was the best book you read?
Hmm, I read a bunch, but nothing stands out.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
A lot.

28. What did you want, and get?
Holidays with the Family

29. What did you want, and NOT get?
More time with my boyfriend

30. Favorite film of this year?
Inception

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent my Birthday with close friends.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Some semblance of plans for the future, so I can plan out my life

33. Were you able to save more money this year?
Yes, but I also spent more.

34. What kept you sane?
Gavin and Justin

35. What made you insane?

I made myself a little crazy I think.

36. Who is your real-person crush?
Justin

37. What was the sweetest thing that someone did for you in 2010?

Justin treated me like a Princess during Thanksgiving Weekend. He hadn't done that in a long time and it was kind of really wonderful.

38. Who did you miss the most?
Justin

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My son still.. each year he grows he becomes a different person

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
You create your own happiness, and you can choose not to feel bad about anything.

40. Where do you want to be this time next year?

With my family and Justin, at the same time (and he said he would!)

LASTLY..
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Learn more, Work smarter, Be wiser, Save more money, Be healthier..

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:
A. LOVE:
Decisions will need to be made.
B. CAREER:
Decisions will need to be made.

C. LIFE:

I want to make plans.

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-25T21:50:00.002+08:00

Well, I've sure been delinquent. I haven't been writing for a long time now, and now that I realize that, I kind of feel bad about it. BUT, nonetheless, here I am now.. updating this on Christmas Day.

I had a good Christmas for the most part. A lot of parties, catching up with friends, and a lot of FOOD! It's been really good.

And I'm happy. Gavin had a good Christmas. Life is good, and I couldn't be happier. So with that said..

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Who is Important, and who Isn't?

2010-10-14T13:41:00.002+08:00

Today, I spent a good hour fixing the privacy settings on my Facebook account. Meaning, I've set stronger privacy settings on albums, contact information, and posts. I've decided that although I do have a lot of friends and contacts that I've amassed through the years, there really is only a select group of people that I care enough about to share my life's updates.

In just thinking about things, I've decided that I want to be more selective, or prudent I would say, about the information I'm sharing with the world. Nothing major really triggered this. I just woke up today and decided that I only want to share my thoughts, and moments captured in pictures, to the people who matter the most.

I have the best job in the world

2010-09-22T04:23:00.000+08:00

My heart completely melted today during dinner. Gavin was home from school and from his tutor and we were downstairs at the dining room having an early dinner. He then started to tell me about this activity that they did at school that had to do with Mothers. Apparently they were asked to bring in a picture of their mothers and he had forgotten mine at the table before he rushed off this morning. So I asked him how he was able to complete that activity if he had forgotten my picture. Not really waiting for a reply, I was about to launch into this sermon about being responsible and about double checking his school things in the morning before he rushed off to school. Before I could do so though he suddenly turned to me and said:

“Ms. Lara (his teacher) asked me to write down 3 things about why I love my mommy. And so I wrote – (1) I love my mommy because she buys me toys. (2) I love my mommy because she sleeps beside me. And (3) I love my mommy because when I can’t open my toys on my own, she helps me.”

I wanted to cry right then and there. I was beyond touched. Shallow and silly as it may seem for those of you who are reading this who DON’T have kids.. pure words like those, coming especially from my little boy meant the world to me, and I don’t think I will ever forget those 3 things for as long as I live.

I gave him a great big hug after. And I didn’t want to let go. I love being a mother. It’s the best job in the world.

Crappy Tough Day

2010-09-16T06:11:00.006+08:00

I had a tough day today. It was rough. Been having a bad work week to be honest, and for the most part, I've just been wishing that I were somewhere else instead of the office. And that's strange for me because I don't normally have that kind of slack off attitude when it comes to work.

Today was really rough though, and there were things that I felt that didn't make any sense at all. After working in the corporate world for a few years, you kind of just get jaded to the office politics, the office gossip, etc., and you just learn to deal. It's far from ideal, but it never is, and will never be perfect. Today was kind of a different story.

I know that when I look back on this day, it will just register as one of those random moments of my work life, that I had to go through and get by (if I even remember it at all). It won't be a big deal after some time, just trivial. I guess my point is, it's these random moments and situations where you get to know yourself a lot better.. because of how you feel about it, and how you react to it. Be it work related, or not.

I'm starting to realize that in knowing myself, I have a much better understanding of the world around me, who I'm with, who I choose to be around, what I want, and what I don't want. There's a peace in just staying put and not having to be all over the place to get some validation.

And just like that, I already feel better about my day.

The Love of My Life

2010-09-04T15:12:00.001+08:00

Cebu

2010-09-04T00:27:00.002+08:00

I've never been to Cebu, but I am dying to go and visit. This last pic (the one right above), is an aerial view of Shangri-la Mactan. It's a main spot to go visit in Cebu and I hear it's just awesome. I think I should take a trip there sometime. It looks so awesome.

Bubbles and Such

2010-09-03T00:24:00.006+08:00

Ignorance. I’ve always hated it, and in my eyes, it’s the world’s biggest disease. There is so much out there, outside your realm, outside your little world, outside your little bubble of what you know as your effing reality. (Ugh, I despise the ignorant. They should be shot.) And it’s not as if we don’t have the means either. Nowadays, with all this technology, in this fabulous day and age where we can get connected to pretty much anything from our mobiles, there is absolutely no excuse to be ignorant, or stupid for that matter (and the 2 are VERY different things). There is just so much more out there, and for some reason it’s painstakingly difficult to educate those who have narrow minds to what this beautiful effing world can bring.

The hard part is not wanting to know more, or accept that there IS more out there. Once our thinking gets crystallized, rigid, and formed, we’ve lost the battle. Once you think you have all the answers, you might as well call it quits. Once you get set in your ways, you’re already part of history. And I just can't stand people like that.

Taking an interest in the outside world is really about your development and benefit, rather than for the world’s benefit. Geez, and it doesn’t have to take much. When we read stuff online, or even on Facebook for god’s sake, when we listen, or talk to others, we stay on top of what is happening. Strong and uber successful people don’t get bogged down by the minutiae of their own lives, they don’t live in an effing bubble. I admire and appreciate people who make it their mission to know what’s going on in the world— be it any kind of news or current events, music, fashion, science, movies, food, technology, finance.. everything they can get their hands on basically.

I’ve realized that the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had, are with people who are able to hold a conversation on pretty much everything and anything because they’re interested in what’s going on. Just looking back, I’ve had some really really funny and semi idiotic conversations with people about how one country is the greatest country for instance, vs. everything else in the entire world; or how Alaska is really a separate country and not part of the US; or how pizza originated from New York, etc. (Turned out to be really funny actually.) But still.. in hindsight, it’s kind of idiotic really.

So.. I’ve deduced that the happiest, most well-balanced, most successful people in life are those who are part of something.. part of the world, and not cut off from it. And the most interesting, and most stimulating people to be around are those who take a great interest in what’s happening around them, and who don’t make baseless assumptions from the little knowledge they have.

I NEED A VACATION

2010-09-02T05:46:00.002+08:00

I am in dire need of a vacation. Was scrounging around for old pics yesterday and I found our old Bohol pics. I would so love to be on vacation right now. Just anywhere really.. just for a few days.

My FAVORITE Things

2010-09-01T15:34:00.005+08:00

1. Soaking in Tubs

2. Mountain Areas

3. Beaches and Boats

4. Ballet Flats

5. Bags

6. Strawberries and Chocolates

Do yourself a favor.. Go away and hide somewhere while you lick your wounds

2010-09-01T04:00:00.012+08:00

I hate lag time. I despise it with an effing passion. Lag time is idle time. And when the mind is idle, it ends up thinking about all these things that anyone wouldn't really want to think about, or have time to think about on a normal busy day. Ugh, I hate idle minds. It can get really stupid. Like today for instance. What started out as an innocent and lazy conversation over lunch, suddenly turned into this in depth psychoanalysis of some sort. And I HATE it when that happens.

I am 100% convinced that women have dangerous tendencies to overanalyze and then deanalyze every little thing on this earth. It’s a pastime that I gladly do not indulge in normally because it oftentimes bores me, and, only really because I couldn’t be bothered to give any kind of smart opinion unless it was being asked for, or unless the person really needed to hear it.

(Especially when it comes to relationships.. Ugh.)

But today for some reason, I did think about it a bit, and yeah, I did analyze stuff a bit.

Isn’t it tempting to reinvent yourself when you meet somebody new who you really like.. To try and be who you think they’re looking for? It’s tempting and some people will start off that way, but can you actually do it? Nah, you couldn’t. No idiot can pull that off for long. I guess one could manage it for a night or two, or even a month maybe, but it’s going to be tough keeping it up forever. So yeah.. “pretending”.. yeah, that’s not going to happen. True colors eventually come out, and more often than not, when shit hits the roof, you’ll know what kind of person he/she truly is because of how they will react and act on things. Then you find yourself lost, and wondering what the hell happened to that person who you thought you knew... all because people pretend to be something they’re not.

On that train of thought, I then realized that it’s not so much that I reinvented myself for anyone. I think I just had a very messed up idea of what I wanted in a guy, or how he had to be. And that’s where I think everything got screwed up. I was looking for something specific in someone that really didn’t exist for that person. Or if it did, it was buried deep down inside because of, presumably, some past idiotic relationship that failed very badly, or something like that.

Therefore, I have deduced that - If your last relationship left you a bit of an emotional wreck, it’s probably best to repair that damage before you start looking for someone new. Otherwise it really wouldn’t work, you wouldn’t be able to focus, and all because you’ll still have your head in your ass, and still preoccupied with yourself.

There is danger in that though, especially for a lot of women like me who think that anything (change, etc) is possible if they "try hard enough". And I just realized this now while I was on lunch! Even if one could find the perfect partner, that "perfect partner" would only be ideal for who you are right now, and that’s not really who you‘ll be forever is it?

So with that, I’ve come to terms with what I know I really want.. With the fact that I really don’t need nor want guys who need looking after, or who are fragile because of some traumatic experience in their past. I like strong independent men who can come out of a bad situation severely scarred, but whole, dignified and honorable in every sense of the word.

And you know what, I had just that after all. I'm one of the luckier ones.. *blush*

Disgusted

2010-08-24T12:20:00.002+08:00

There are just no words.

Last night, the world witnessed what was probably the stupidest piece of policework ever. I have never been more embarrassed in my life of our police force. Last night, I cringed while I sat and watched, red in the face, and totally embarrassed at how that hostage situation turned out. It sucks that our own local policemen, the people who are supposed to guard and protect the Filipino people, turned out to be the biggest bunch of idiots on the planet. So much for making me feel safe and secure in my own god damn country.

As if that isn't bad enough, I am sure that smarter criminal minds now have that assurance that if and when they decide to take over a building, a bank, the MRT, or whatever else, they'll get away with it easy because our police force know zilch about trying to diffuse a situation like that.

Great, just great.

Sluggish

2010-08-19T11:37:00.003+08:00

1. I'm starting to notice just how much damage traveling can do to the body. I'm jet lagged, extremely exhausted and for some reason I always catch the flu whenever I get off a flight. Damn, this stuff is catching up to me.

2. It was tough being away from Gavin for a while. When he was younger, it didn't seem to be as bad because he was always occupied and I guess he never really noticed my absences, not as much as he does now though. So yeah, it's tough.

That's all I have for now.

Opportunists

2010-08-17T06:04:00.001+08:00

"A person who exploits circumstances to gain advantage rather than being guided by principles and plans."

Well. A lot of those going around nowadays.

What a way to live.

Things that make me happy...

2010-08-14T16:54:00.006+08:00

I'd like to think of myself as a person who can tolerate more than any other person can. Things like extreme heat and humidity, spicy food, bad traffic, character flaws, and mistakes in general. I think of myself as an extremely patient person, and I will put up with most things that others would normally not. Not entirely sure how I got to be this way, just that I always have been.

Likewise there are a few things that set me off, a few things that I place in such high regard so much so that when it's not treated as such by those who are important to me, it kind of turns me off and upsets me.

1. Time. It's of the utmost importance to me. Not that I'm needy with it. I just appreciate and love it when time is spent with me when I actually even ask for it. I like the fact that people are caring and cognizant enough to make time for those they care about when it's requested for. It saddens me when this is taken for granted, overlooked and disrespected.

2. Integrity. You are what you say, and what you do. You may not be able to control the opinions and observations of those around you, but you can control how you project yourself to them. You are what you make yourself out to be.

3. Coffee. I understand that some people don't like coffee and that's fine. To each his own "power waker upper". I am addicted maybe. Go ahead and judge me if you'd like.

4. Cultural Differences. I love, I appreciate, and I thrive from learning from other cultures, and I HATE it when other people get narrow minded with this.

5. Children. I love kids and I don't think I could ever be with anyone who didn't appreciate that, or who thought otherwise.

Not entirely too sure why I decided to write all of this down at 5 in the morning. All I was trying to do was get sleepy enough to drift off into sleep. Remembering happy things like these help I think.

Drained

2010-08-13T23:14:00.005+08:00

There are some things in this world that can drain you completely. Where all life and energy just gets sucked out. And then you find that you don’t have the energy to even physically move, talk, feel, let alone think. You’re just.. completely dried out that you’re almost gone. Completely exhausted.

People always tell themselves (and other people who are willing to listen for that matter) that they want to create a better future for themselves. That they want to do away with what was, and move forward into the future. It’s really not true anymore. The future is an apathetic void of no interest to anyone. The past though, is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke us, insult us, tempt us to destroy, or repaint it (whichever you prefer). The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past. Or so you’d think.

Gavin's Birthday

2010-07-21T19:14:00.001+08:00

Right now my son is sitting down at the dining table having his birthday dinner. And in a few minutes, when he finishes his dinner he's going to start opening his presents. I know because I just called him.

Yeah, I'm not with him right now.

This sucks.

I..

2010-07-21T09:25:00.002+08:00

.. am trying to go to bed, but can't.

.. wish I was at home with Gavin today because I miss him, and yeah it's his birthday.

.. have a queasy tummy.

.. can't wait for this weekend.

.. wish there was something awesome to watch on TV.

.. has had enough of American reality TV shows.

.. hate getting weird emails from strangers.

.. am bored with Facebook.

.. have this craving for ribs.

.. want a teddy bear.

.. should be asleep I guess.

Drained.

2010-07-21T07:32:00.003+08:00

There are just some things that you tire of eventually. The types of things that just suck out all your energy and leave you exhausted as hell. And it's not because you've had enough, or you can't handle it. You're just tired of waiting for some difference, something that's not as exhausting for a change.

What a bummer.

Happy Birthday Gavin

2010-07-21T07:30:00.000+08:00

Gavin

2010-07-19T18:57:00.001+08:00

My Gavin turns 6 on Wednesday.

I'm a happy mommy.

I have the greatest kid in the world.

Gavin

2010-07-13T04:18:00.001+08:00

I miss Gavin.

This morning he texted me from my Dad’s phone asking me what time I was coming home. (Yes, my soon to be 6 year old can text, and on a non QWERTY keypad too at that. It’s got misspelled words of course, but I don’t care, he can text, that’s all that matters.)

I really really miss him, and this year, I find that I’m not going to be home for his birthday because I’m currently traveling on business. I will have to make up for that of course. I don’t think we’ll be having a full blown party this year because my Lola (Grandmother) just passed away recently, but maybe a trip at the end of the year. (We’ll see how that goes.) I just want to make sure I do something special and extraordinary with him this year because there’s lots of “Gavin and Mommy victories” to celebrate!

I love being a mom I swear. I have the coolest kid on the planet!

Idiocy

2010-07-12T22:38:00.001+08:00

I did not have a good morning today.

I was, yeah, as the title states.. quite the idiot, because of my own doing.

So I leave my apartment to head in to work early because I wanted to start on emails early, and just get that done and out of the way. Furthermore it was my first time heading in to work from my new apartment and so I wanted to make sure I was at the bus stop early so I didn’t take the wrong bus heading in to downtown, etc. So I get on my bus, and I realize that the bag I was carrying did NOT have the key to my work pedestal (where I keep my laptop AND more importantly, my work shoes - I normally rock up to work in flip flops then just change). So I couldn’t get off the bus and I had to ride out the drive all the way to downtown, before I was allowed to get off.

So here I am (totally running late) huffing and puffing and running this way and that to catch this other bus to go BACK home so I could get the key. (Note to self: This is why I should never EVER change bags over the weekend.. because I totally forget my keys.) Of course as soon as I get back to my place and to my bag that had the key, I discover that my key wasn’t in there. Turns out, I had left the stupid key hanging from my pedestal last Friday. It was at work all along.

I totally wasted about 45 minutes this morning scrambling this way and that, only to realize that I really didn’t have to.

I’m such an idiot.

Grippo's

2010-07-07T23:11:00.002+08:00

Super YUM! I love these!

Expectation vs. Reality

2010-07-07T21:26:00.001+08:00

There’s something to be said about expectation vs. reality. Normally we get into something (anything really) with some semblance of expectation in our minds, then that expectation just never gets fulfilled for some reason. It either goes way below it, or in rare cases, it exceeds. Woe to the person with extremely high idealistic expectations because his world will just crash down on him when his expectations aren’t met.

I’ve learned to just chill out and not expect too much in terms of most things. That way, I get pleasantly surprised when my expectations are met and/or exceeded, and less disappointed when they’re not.

Just works better that way.

Big Schooling

2010-06-21T02:04:00.004+08:00

Last week, I celebrated a major milestone in my life. Last Tuesday, I felt like I was on top of the universe, and I have never felt prouder in my life.

It was Gavin’s first day at “big school” last week. (In the Philippines, we refer to any school after Pre School as the “big school”). After 2 years of being in pre-school, my son was admitted into one of the more prestigious schools in Manila. Only a select few are admitted each year into La Salle, and I was extremely proud and happy when the letter came in that he had been admitted. (And yes, for those of you who weren’t aware of it, there is an actual entrance exam that the kids are supposed to pass in order to gain admission. Most of the big schools in Manila have these entrance exams, although there are some admittedly, who don’t. So yes, silly as it may sound, it IS a big deal.)

I was so so SO happy that day. And as proud as I was of Gavin, for making it to the big school, I was proud of myself too in some way. My biggest fear when Gavin was a still a baby was that I may not be able to afford to send him to a good school, I would lay awake at night thinking about that and panicking. So I am happy that I was able to save up for this, that I can now say that I can afford to send him to an awesome school where he will receive good education.

I'm a SUPER DUPER proud single mom. One of the many major milestone down..

Life is good.

Food Trippin'

2010-06-11T17:48:00.006+08:00

Man I had so much food today it's not even remotely funny! (As I write this, I'm actually aware that I have another dinner meeting that I have to attend in about 10 mins.) I shouldn't complain I know. Lots of people out there don't have that much to eat after all, so I should shut up and be grateful.

I'm just full that's all.

Blech.

...

2010-06-04T01:32:00.004+08:00

I didn't really have a nice catchy title for this post, or some witty opening statement to entice readers to continue reading. To be totally honest, I don't really know why I happened to chance upon blogger.com, log in (after how many months of not doing so), and start to write.

It's not boredom, it's not stress.. it's not anything at all really. I just, for some reason, logged in, and now I'm writing. I don't really have anything to say, or share for that matter. But on that aspect, maybe I ought to write some more.

I used to write a lot, like really, a lot. Then I got busy, like real busy. And as is the norm, when life gets in the way, you find you don't really have a lot of time to do the things that you used to do. It's half comforting and half disconcerting. Comforting because things are moving along, and you're not idle. But disconcerting as well because you can't stop to reflect and think about things.

Maybe I'll start to do that more, who knows. Stop and think I mean.

Let's see.

Good Riddance 2009

2009-12-31T02:25:00.002+08:00

Goodbye 2009! (You totally sucked by the way.)

I wish I could just delete this entire year, all of it entirely.

Hopefully 2010 will be better.

Here's hoping..

My Charmed 2009 Life

2009-12-31T00:41:00.003+08:00

I'm a bit sad that I didn't get to write that much this year. I don't really know what happened. Life got in the way I guess (whatever that means), and I guess I didn't really feel like writing all too much.

I felt compelled however to do my yearly run down of the things that were good, and not good.

So here we go..

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
My little boy's off to Big School next year, and I had to deal with all of that.. entrance exams, tuition fees.. It was quite an experience. I can't believe I have a 5 year old. Wow.

2. Did you keep your 2009 new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2010?
I honestly don't know. I want to, but I just don't know.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yup! Ann, Mia, Ice and Jessie to name a few.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
US, and Singapore

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Peace of mind

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 21, 2009 (Gavin turned 5), October 9, 2009, December 25, 2009

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Forgiveness.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Forgiveness.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes.

11. What is the best thing you bought this year?
Plane tickets.. I think. Nothing really comes to mind so I'll just go with plane tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gavin

13. Whose behaviour appalled you, and made you depressed?
There are a few.. I'd rather not name names.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Same as last year.. Gavin (tuition fees for school, and his usual stuff), Travel, and my Cellphone bill (it was STILL catastrophic)

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Gavin turning 5, October, and December

16. What movie will you remember in 2009?

I don't remember

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. Happier or Sadder? Sadder
b. Thinner or Fatter? Same
c. Richer or Poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spend time with Gavin

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Forgive.

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
With great anticipation.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No.

23. Did you break up with someone in 2009?
Kind of.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
CSI, Chuck, Numbers, and some of Gavin's other favorites.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't know.

26. What was the best book you read?
I never finished the last book in the Twilight Series, and the new Dan Brown book I got this year has been untouched since September. I think I'm on Chapter 3 on that one.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Owl City

28. What did you want, and get?
Holidays with the Family

29. What did you want, and NOT get?
More time with my boyfriend

30. Favorite film of this year?
Astro Boy

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was in Portugal when I turned 28. I spent it with Oli and some very close and very sweet Portuguese folks.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Peace of mind

33. Were you able to save more money this year?
No

34. What kept you sane?
Gavin

35. What made you insane?

No comment

36. Who is your real-person crush?
My boyfriend

37. What was the sweetest thing that someone did for you in 2009?

Fly out to see me

38. Who did you miss the most?
My boyfriend

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My son still.. each year he grows he becomes a different person

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
People will hurt you no matter how hard you try to be the best that you can be for them.

40. Where do you want to be this time next year?

Anywhere that will make me happy.

LASTLY..
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Peace of mind

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:
A. LOVE –
Decisions will need to be made.
B. CAREER -
Decisions will need to be made.

C. LIFE -

Huge decisions will definitely need to be made.

Flatter than Flat

2009-12-01T08:33:00.002+08:00

I woke up way too early today, after getting only about 1 or 2 hours of sleep. I was in bed for a good full hour already before I finally drifted off. I was tossing and turning. It was pissing me off so bad.

Now I'm awake, and I'm unhappy about it. But I'm not even tired or sleepy. My mind is way too alert for my liking.

I hate this feeling, and I hate trying to explain it to people when they ask about it because it makes me sound so emo. And I HATE emo.

I can't wait for the weekend. And I can't wait for this year to be over. This is undoubtedly, one of the worst years, if not THE WORST year for me ever. More bad than good happened to me this year, the bad kind of outweighed the good.

I so can't wait for this shit to end.

Back Again

2009-10-03T16:51:00.001+08:00

So.. here I am. Back again.

Last February I decided to discontinue updating this blog because I wanted to open a new one. Seven months after, all I have to show for it is an empty blog template. I had every intention of starting a new one, but like always, life happens, and I never got to write even one post.

I miss writing.

I got busy. Rather, I got so distracted doing other things that I think I could pretty much have gone without.

But here I am now, back from the dead.

Again.

Full Stop

2009-02-08T11:34:00.002+08:00

After much deliberation and much consideration, I've decided to stop updating this blog. It feels and looks too heavy now and I'm just itching to begin a brand new one. I know I could just totally rehaul it by changing the formatting or the layout of it, but I'm really itching to begin a brand new one for some reason.

Change is always good I think.

Thank you for reading, and for sharing this with me. But for now, this is pretty much the last post you will see on this page.

Yeah, change is good.

Homeward Bound

2009-01-12T08:13:00.005+08:00

It's my last week here in Portugal. Because of that realization, I've begun making mental checklists of all the last minute things that I have yet to do, see, try, and buy. On the work front, I've pretty much finished up, with only a few minor pending follow up items that need to be sorted out. In terms of the food, there are dishes that I still want to try, desserts that I have yet to sample, and chocolates from Pingo Doce (local food store) that have yet to be bought for me to take back home for Gavin and a few others. Lastly, I've narrowed down from the huge wine selection available in Portugal, to the select few that I want to take back with me.

I'm excited to be heading home, no doubt about that. Europe is fabulously wonderful and I expect to fly back here someday, hopefully with Gavin and the Boyfriend in tow for some kind of semblance of a holiday. Well, we'll see..

Thinking back on the 2 and 1/2 months that I've been here, I can't help but laugh at some of the funny things that I've experienced. A lot of which have happened right here at the hotel that I've come to call as "home". (I've been in bed pretty much the entire day today just resting, so at 1am Portugal time, I find myself writing the funny things so I can cheer up, and then eventually sleep.)

1. Nao Fumar - In Portuguese, it means "no smoking".

- All the hotel rooms here have bold red signs that say, "Nao Fumar". This of course poses a bit of a problem for us who are here because we all smoke. Furthermore, all the rooms have extremely sensitive smoke sensors that will go off even with the shower steam. Because we just couldn't be bothered to get dressed for the cold and to walk out of the hotel to get a quick smoke, we've resorted to either sticking half our bodies outside our hotel room windows to smoke (teetering as far out as we can so the sensors don't detect it), or locking ourselves in the bathroom, using the bidet as an ashtray, and then spritzing half the contents of our perfume bottles to make sure there's no evidence. This is the reason why, everytime the fire alarms go off, the first question in our minds never has anything to do with the possibility of an actual fire, but rather, "which one of us was smoking in the room and was stupid enough to let the detectors go off again this time." I normally get a ping asking, "did you set off the alarm?" I of course to this day, have always been extra careful so I've never set them off at all.

2. Do Not Disturb

-Like any normal hotel, you as a guest have the option to not be "disturbed" by hanging on your doorknob the sign that says, "do not disturb." For some reason that concept is so totally foreign here. They DO have the signs and everything, but even with that hanging out on your door, the cleaning ladies still barge in and clean it anyway. So some of us have been woken up by the loud knocking on the door, or worse, getting walked in on while we're half undressed. And it happens all the time. You look at them and you hope they get the hint and bugger off, but nah, doesn't happen.

3. The Night Man

- The guy who mans the front desk during the night (bless his heart), is elderly, knows little to zero English, is almost always asleep after midnight, and worse, sleeps like the dead. Small European hotels have actual old school doors that are usually locked. So if you need to get into the hotel you'll have to knock. There are no doorbells. Very rarely will you find the glass sliding doors that most hotels have nowadays. Our hotel, although not very old, has both. So the glass sliding doors are found a few feet after you enter the massive old school door. After midnight, the elderly man who mans the desk (bless his heart) is literally gone from the desk and can be heard snoring from the bar area where the comfy chairs are. I guess it's kind of funny now that I think about it, but at 3 or 4am and when you're drunk from a night out and just want to crawl into bed, the last thing you want to be doing is standing outdoors in the freezing cold (and sometimes rain) and knocking on the damn door to be let in. I tell you, 40 minutes in the cold rain, drunk and knocking so hard til you bruise your knuckles is not funny after all.

Well, these are just some of the fondest memories that I have. I actually have a lot more, but I'm getting sleepy now.. so I guess blogging did help after all. I will write about them in more detail next time.

Derailed

2009-01-11T00:39:00.004+08:00

2009...

Late last year I couldn't wait for the new year to begin. I had such a great feeling about 2009, and I was really looking forward to it because I knew it would bring about change. I hoped that it would be a truly great year ahead.

2008 was nothing more but a collection of days, weeks, and months of me living day in and day out, and facing things as they come up. On the surface, it would look normal, but I guess in reality I was confused. I was getting tired, restless and I wanted change more than anything. I would get sucked in, I would play the part, put on the face, do the job and then move on without looking back. I was there.. but barely.

I am thankful, that much I know. I am very grateful still of what I have, and what I've accomplished so far. I've achieved in 4 years, what others who are much older than me, have achieved in maybe 6 or 7 years, maybe even more. As a child, and even to this day, I get to travel and see new things and places in a year that others only get to see in maybe 5 years or more. I'm not filthy rich, but I am doing a lot better compared to others. I have family, friends, a healthy and beautiful boy, and a supportive boyfriend. I am surrounded by people who care for me and who want the best for me. I am definitely grateful.

But I am ALSO still human. I will feel anger, resentment, loss, restlessness and regret like any other normal human being. I want to cry when I want to, be angry when I want to, and not always have that "everything will be fine" face in front of friends, colleagues, and family. I don't want to keep on smiling and giving my standard answer of "oh i get by", and "yeah, weekends are precious" whenever I'm asked by someone how I spend time with my son since I work at night. I want to scream and say that I hate working at night, and that I hate not having a normal life. I want to cry and stab myself when I'm asked what he did for his Christmas program or what he got for Christmas because I DON'T KNOW! I wasn't WITH him!

It's hard to always keep a straight face, to always have diplomatic answers, and sometimes it's hard to smile when you don't want to smile. I'm known for always being congenial and for always being "nice" and pleasant, but to be honest.. it's been hard.

Derailed..

To work so hard for something, to sacrifice what you hold dearest to you for something, and then to be made to feel and look like an absolute ass is just something that I am not going to stand for. I was not brought up to compromise principles, and I was definitely not born to fail. I will not do that to myself and my son.

I've decided that I can do away with the unnecessary stress and agony, and I will stop beating myself up for things that are not under my control. I'm better and stronger than all of this, and I will now choose my battles more carefully. With that said, I now also choose to sever relationships and ties with those who don't help me grow, and nurture the ones that do. I don't need to be nice now to those who I don't want to, and to those who will stab me in the back and say lies about me. (I do not enjoy underhanded actions at all.)

I am derailed yes, and this time I have no qualms in being honest about it. I am unhappy, disappointed, and angry with myself for allowing such craptacular things to happen. But most importantly, I regret not giving Gavin the attention that I should have given him instead.

My Charmed 2008 Life

2008-12-31T15:54:00.016+08:00

No doubt about it, 2008 has been one of the most trying, but I guess also one of the most rewarding years for me. Both personally and professionally, this year has been the best in some aspects, as well as the absolute worst in others. I've gained some, but definetely lost some in the process.

Today, the last day of the year, I look forward to a much better year, and I can only hope and pray that it does in fact get better. (Please please please..)

Below is my usual end of year questionnaire that I got from one of my friends. Unlike last year though, this year I made a mental note to actually fill it out before the year ended, and to not fill it out during the first few days of the new year. So here goes..

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

- I attended my 1st Parent - Teacher meeting, and I played the parent this time around.

- I got on a plane and sat patiently in it (in cattle class) for over 30 hours to visit someone.. twice. I've also had to sit (impatiently this time) in US airports for over 7 hours to get to connecting flights.. twice.

- Did ACL in September.

2. Did you keep your 2008 new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2009?
I don't even remember what my new year's resolution was this year, so no, I don't think I'll make more for next year. It makes no sense, it's usually the smoking, but I don't see myself quitting entirely. I'll cut down, but not quit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year, no. But Jessie, Ice, and Abie got pregnant this year! We're expecting the babies in 2009.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, there were very close calls, but thankfully none.

5. What countries did you visit?
US (3 times this year), Singapore, Portugal, Spain, (then in terms of Airports) - Japan, Hong Kong, and Germany

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More time for Gavin and more time for myself

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

So many things happened this year on multiple scales. I don't think I can narrow it down to just 1, so I'll just go with naming months that had significant events: April, July, September and December

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Gavin started school this year so I'm really happy and proud about that. - (personally)
I got promoted, I passed this huge exam in Singapore, and I traveled for work - (professionally)

9. What was your biggest failure?

Work-life balance

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick while I was in the US in September, and I got food poisoning in November.

11. What is the best thing you bought this year?
Plane tickets

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gavin - my little boy is all grown up now!

13. Whose behaviour appalled you, and made you depressed?
There are a few.. I'd rather not name names.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gavin (tuition fees for school, and his usual stuff), Travel, and my Cellphone bill (it was catastrophic)

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Gavin starting school in June, and my trip overseas in September

16. What movie will you remember in 2008?

"Wanted" and "The Dark Knight"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. Happier or Sadder? Sadder
b. Thinner or Fatter? Fatter (the food in Europe had something to do with this of course)
c. Richer or Poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Actually make the time to be with Gavin and the rest of my family

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Get angry with incompetent people

20. How will you be welcoming the New Year?
Just like last year, I will not be with Gavin when I welcome in the new year. I'm still here in Europe (but I will be home in 2 weeks so I'll make up for it with my baby boy when I get home). Here in Portugal though, I'll be having dinner and drinks with some people at the hotel restaurant later on.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes, with Austin, Texas. I absolutely adore that place.

23. Did you break up with someone in 2008?
Yes.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
I watched less TV this year. I never had the time, or I was just too tired. I did like Cashmere Mafia and Gossip Girl though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hmm not really, there are people that pissed me off more this year yes, but I don't think I can say that I hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Twilight series (yes all right, I'm aware that some of you MAY gag at that)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I went to ACL this year, so that in itself was a great big musical discovery, just the whole experience of it was awesome.

28. What did you want, and get?
More travel

29. What did you want, and NOT get?
Gavin for Christmas, New Year and my Birthday (in 2009), and more time to spend with my boyfriend

30. Favorite film of this year?
Wanted, and The Dark Knight

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was alone when I turned 27 this year (away from family, close friends and the boyfriend). I was in the US for work, in the freezing cold, and wallowing in my apartment. I had gone to work that day, and then just went back home after. That was about it.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
How do I even begin to answer this.. I don't know, aside from the usual "wish I had more money" "wish I lost more weight", etc., I guess the 1 thing would have to be not missing Gavin's very 1st Christmas Progaram at school.

33. Were you able to save more money this year?
Absolutely not.

34. What kept you sane?
Gavin and my boyfriend

35. What made you insane?

Work

36. Who is your real-person crush?
My boyfriend

37. What was the sweetest thing that someone did for you in 2008?

There are several actually:

1) Took care of me when I was almost passed out and dying of fever

2) Cooked me an extremely nice and hard to prepare meal

3) Surprised me by getting on a plane to see me and spend time with me

38. Who did you miss the most?
Gavin, my parents, and my boyfriend

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My son.. each year he grows he becomes a different person

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
I'm getting old.. My son is growing up. And everything you need to do as a parent kind of just falls into place after you realize that.

40. Where do you want to be this time next year?

With Gavin and my boyfriend.

LASTLY..
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Work-Life balance, NOT work-life integration

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:
A. LOVE –
Decisions will need to be made.
B. CAREER -
Decisions will need to be made.

C. LIFE -

Huge decisions will definitely need to be made.

I want..

2008-12-29T03:59:00.004+08:00

I SO WANT the new Macbook or the new Macbook Pro (even better) it's not even funny. I badly need a new machine! I think it'll be a while before I can even afford a new machine, so I guess I will have to be patient and just wait. Sigh..

Flight of the Conchords

2008-12-25T18:32:00.003+08:00

I needed to laugh this Christmas day, and this pretty much did it.

Merry Christmas..

2008-12-24T09:14:00.004+08:00

This year will be my third Christmas away from home, and away from Gavin. Back home, family and friends will undoubtedly be stuffing themselves full of food and intoxicating themselves silly with wine at around midnight of today. About an hour after midnight, my family will start to hand out presents and then proceed right after to rip through the wrapping paper to unearth what's inside. It's tradition in our family to be loud, messy and unconditionally happy during this season.

I've always loved Christmas. To this day, I still consider it my favorite holiday, even more than my birthday. Birthdays are normally selfish and usually only last a day, whereas Christmas (well back home anyway) usually start a few weeks before December, and is shared by all. I love it with a passion. I always have, and I always will.

This year, my Christmas will be quiet, and just like last year, it will be spent with my mind and soul wishing I was with Gavin. Although I knew what I was getting into, and although I knew what I was in for when I had made the choice to spend this time of year working abroad, it suddenly dawned on me that, after the dust has settled, and after all the day's work is done, I realized that yeah, sigh.. I'm not home.

It gets to me when people complain about family get-togethers and how much of a pain it will be somehow. There are other people out there (not just me), who are away from friends and family, and who wish with all their hearts that they were around loved ones.

There's really just so much to be thankful for. So eventhough I will be alone and working on Christmas day, I am still thankful for what I have.

Merry Christmas everyone..

Love,

Heidi

Today in December..

2008-12-15T06:41:00.002+08:00

Today, this day in December, I realized that:

1) I really miss Gavin, and I'm truly crushed that I won't be with him again this Christmas.

2) No matter how much I tell myself that I'll make up for it by spoiling him crazy (half serious), and by spending more time with him, the fact that I've missed 3 Christmases already out of his 4 years of existence will tell him something someday, and he will question me for that.

3) Although I'm surrounded by Christmas decor, Christmas carols, and tales of what people will do this Christmas, I sadly, don't feel Christmas at all. I didn't feel like shopping at all today while I was in Spain, I just wasn't in the mood I guess.

4) Time passes by so quickly.

Parar de ser mau para mim

2008-12-09T19:42:00.003+08:00

Gostaria apenas se voce jogou justo. Mas simplesmente nao jogar limpo em tudo.

(Okay that's about as much Portuguese I can muster as of this point.)

I love the sound of spoken Portuguese. It's warm, not as soft as Spanish, French or Filipino, but whimsical enough to make you turn your head and listen closely.

I'm picking up some words while I'm here, but hardly anything that I could even converse with. It's been great being here and working with them. They're very laid back, and pleasant to be around.

Sigh, so going back to my 1st sentence above.. it's me venting (in my own little space) about this person who makes it a life goal to make life difficult for me. If that person was a little bit more pleasant, I would be a little nicer, but since being snide apparently is the new polite nowadays..

It's so not even worth it.

Odio idiotas

2008-12-07T08:31:00.008+08:00

I despise idiots who think that they can get away with (probably in some mad attempt to be righteous), and come up with moronic material like this. Clearly, someone out there in the world (Read: SOMEONE IN THE US) has that much time to sit and photoshop a perfectly good picture of a baby, worked in with stupid words and quotes.

I'm not pro-choice, I never have been, and I never will be. This image above was created to obviously go against that concept, and go against the man who supports it. While I have no issues with people verbalizing how they feel about that, I have major issues with pictures of children being used in propaganda of any kind. The quote in itself is bad enough. Why make it worse by adding a picture of a baby?

It's just wrong. There are proper ways of advocating what you believe in.

This doesn't even advocate pro-life at all. If it was meant for that, which I highly doubt, it was a stupid, shallow and uneducated way of doing so. It reeks of scorn, sarcasm, bitterness and overall, immaturity. It's just an excuse to ridicule someone else.. And if this was someone's bright idea of being deep, tsk, then I guess that someone's not too bright (nor deep) at all.

The Office

2008-11-28T16:45:00.002+08:00

So here I am baptizing the iMacs at work with my face. This came about purely by accident of course (as you can see from the 1st pic). Okay fine, I'm mildly vain, I admit. If anything, this activity has proven to me that my right eye is bigger than my left. How annoying is that!

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

2008-11-17T04:13:00.002+08:00

I despise liars with a passion.

What's the point of it really?

Ommitted, edited, tweaked, left out, lowballed, played up.. whatever it is, it's still lying.

Such cowardice.

The truth has this uncanny way of ALWAYS getting to me.

SHOES!!!

2008-11-12T20:32:00.003+08:00

My mom had decided earlier, that the state of my shoe closet was getting just a tad bit ridiculous and unacceptable because you couldn't walk in it anymore so she had all my shoes brought out into the terrace so I could pick out the ones that I didn't need anymore. This is an exercise that she makes me do almost every year, but for some unknown reason, they all just keep on going back into my closet, with maybe just 1 or 2 pairs max weeded out every year. I tried my hardest to part with the ones that I didn't "need", and from this mess.. I ended up removing 4 pairs.

Hey, it's a start.

I've now realized that I am indeed a shoe person. I'm a bit embarrassed by this actually. I only really use about 3-4 pairs max in a month, so looking at this mess this morning really shocked me.

2008

2008-11-10T17:29:00.004+08:00

I don't know if now would be the best time to write about this entire year collectively, I usually reserve that post to the first week of the new year, just like I have the past 2 years in a row. I however, am anticipating a lot of activity related to travel and work within the next few weeks that will probably spill over into the new year. I will no doubt be running around like a headless chicken again so I think that now would be as good a time to write as any. Besides, I woke up, looked out the window, realized it was dusk already, and for some strange reason felt the sudden urge to write.

2008 has (is) been one of the most challenging years of my life, if not THE MOST ever to date. This year I was tried and tested, hanged and crucified, and pushed nearly to the very edge. Sigh, I've had better years, and I can't wait for this one to end so the new one can begin. Although there are a LOT of things, events, and people that I am greatly thankful for this year, I still consider 2008 to be one of the worst years of my life. It still is actually..

Don't get me wrong, I love my life and everything that encompasses it, I just hate what happened to it this year. Looking at things in perspective though, this will all pass too, whether it does sooner or later will all depend though.

Again, there's so much to be thankful for still, and it's more than a consolation to know that I still am blessed and luckier than most.

So, that's that.

Unbelievable

2008-11-04T20:49:00.003+08:00

This year, has unbelievably, been THE banner year for me in terms of things that can go absolutely wrong. At this point, I'm extremely derailed and exasperated. But, it is what it is. And I will leave it at that, because this is again what it is.

Thankful

2008-11-01T04:52:00.004+08:00

There are some days when we forget to look at what's around us. There are days when we just don't see the beauty and the life that's right there under our noses. Sometimes we get so caught up inside ourselves, and we end up taking when we should be giving instead. Somehow we always fail to look beyond ourselves, and we will only remember sometimes..

Even with our all our differences - race, nationality, color, religion, and gender - there's still that common ground where we're all connected.

I don't understand why there are people who feel that they have the monopoly of pain. And I pity them. We're luckier than most out there, and yet we're never completely satisfied and happy with what we have.

There's just so much to be thankful for.

Food Poisoning

2008-10-30T07:37:00.000+08:00

It's not a fun thing to have. Trust me.

Porto, Portugal

2008-10-19T13:21:00.004+08:00

Can't say that I'm not looking forward to being in Portugal again. It'll be good to be in this environment for a bit of time. It sure is pretty. I loved Porto.

My Charmed Life Indeed

2008-10-17T17:44:00.004+08:00

I wish the blinds in my bedroom were thicker and darker so I could sleep better. My sleeping patterns will never be normal, not while I continuously try to trick my body clock into thinking that night is day, and day is night. I'm notorious among the people I work with for always being awake and around. It shits them to no end when they get emails from me even after I've long gone home and am supposed to be in bed.

Last year, I got into a minor car accident and suffered small bruises and a mild concussion from it. 4 hours after I was released from the emergency room for patching up, I was back at work. It sounds pathetic now that I think about it. It certainly doesn't make me a hero and I'm definitely not richer because of it. It was just something I did because it felt right.

People are motivated and driven by different things that they think are important to them. It could be family, friends, money, power, etc. I am motivated and driven by just 1 reason and 1 reason alone.. not a what, but a who - Gavin. He is the only reason and drive for this (my) madness of a screwed up work-life balance. I'm not a victim, and I'm not a slave being asked to do something against my will - it is wholly my choice. He is my choice.

I've said this time and again. I admire single parents who work their asses off to be able to give their kid/s a good life. It's far from easy and it takes a lot. Sometimes it entails sacrifices like missing christmases, birthdays and the like.. And trust me, that's not easy to do.

It disappoints me when my intentions and motivations are questioned and when I am judged unfairly.. as a person, as a girlfriend, as a friend maybe.. and as a mother. It's just not fair at all.

Law and Order

2008-10-16T12:53:00.004+08:00

"Justice tempered with mercy."

This is probably one of the most ironic (oxymoronic.. feel free to interpret as you wish) statements I've ever heard, and it surprisingly came from the mouth of a lawyer. The judicial system in the Philippines is anything but fast, and worse, everything else but fair. It kind of makes you lose whatever is left of the hope you had in your, um, soul.

Oli, Roy and I spent around 8 hours yesterday going through lawsuits, case studies, discussing law definitions, and arguing over what we thought was right or wrong in terms of how the law was applied. I was appalled with a lot of the cases we talked about, and even more appalled at the inconsistency of it all. It was an interesting day and my mind just went into overdrive. I was quite surprised with myself actually, I was already on my second shift and was running on just 1 large cup of coffee, and yeah baby I survived! (Woohoo!)

It does nothing for my health of course.. But all things being equal, yesterday was a good day for my brain to go into overdrive. I wanted to be anything but idle, and nothing less than insanely busy. So I was of course.

Judgement Day

2008-10-13T08:30:00.003+08:00

I've always believed that the way (how) a person reacts when shit hits the roof is telling of that person's character. How you are, what you say, and how you react during highly stressful situations is a true test of your character, and sadly a lot of people don't deal with this very well. It's understandable I guess. When you're stressed, freaked out, worried, angry, frustrated, possibly scared (depending on the situation), and generally just upset, you tend to say or do things that you normally would not had you been thinking straight. It's sad really and always disconcerting, but true enough.

It takes a lot of intellectual maturity and emotional stability to keep your head screwed on when you're freaking out. Sometimes I fail (hey I'm only human), but there are times when I (very proudly) don't.

I'll say it straight out. And you can judge me for all I care. I have very little tolerance for highly intelligent people who crumble when faced with intense pressure. It's harder when it's personal in nature of course and I totally understand this (duh, look at me). I don't look down on it of course, but I really don't like it at all and I guess given a choice, I would prefer not to associate myself with people like that.

On a more personal note, and this I tell to all my friends (both guys and girls), if you willingly choose someone who will crumble and fail you when you guys are in a highly stressful situation, then deal with it, shut up, and don't complain and cry in front of me.

I..

2008-10-10T23:12:00.002+08:00

..am annoyed that the guards didn't let me bring in my coffee to my work area! How can i function?!
..thought it was pathetic how my room light decided to conk out just when peejay and i were having a depressing discussion. So we were forced to bond in total darkness.
..hate it when known uncontrollable factors ease their way up and stop you from doing work.
..hate it even more when some people represent it to be my fault.
..am anticipating the weekend.. it's back to bed for 12 hours.. BLISS.

The Height of Idiocy

2008-10-09T04:43:00.005+08:00

There are so many idiotic things that I can, and in fact, have already tolerated in my life. I'm more patient than most, and kinder than a lot of people who would, when faced with idotic things, either turn their nose up in the air, or verbalize nasty words out of disgust. I on the other hand, will tolerate it to some point and try to work out a better solution or alternative out of that idiotic situation.

I'll give you a simple example: I come to work everyday, roughly at the same time, carrying the same equipment/machines (or whatever) that I need EVERY SINGLE DAY. I always come in with my 2 laptops, in my same old boring black backpack. The contents don't change at all. Everyday, I pass through the same guards at the SAME security checkpoints, and EVERY SINGLE goddamn day, I'm asked whether or not I have a laptop, and if I do, if they can freaking check it. It's beyond idiotic and yet I paste a smile on my face, and I tolerate it. The company I work for does not take security lightly and who in fact take it to an extreme. It takes us more than a smile and a "good morning" to get through. I tolerate it because it's a policy set in stone that we all must abide by. Fine.

Idiotic things that I will REFUSE to tolerate though, would be things that just defy common sense and logic. Things like my credit card bill not being paid for on time, or our IT department telling me it was my fault that I did not receive an important email from them WHEN THEY HAD MY LAPTOP IN THE 1sT PLACE because THEY SAID it needed repair, and the worst, emails sent to me asking me to explain why on god's gay earth I was in a certain country at a certain time for business, when BY PROCESS, I would not have been able to even leave the damn country if I did NOT have the prior approvals FROM THEM. It's idiotic and beyond stupid.

I have had it with beaurocracy. It's a fucking curse.

The "BER" Months

2008-10-07T16:53:00.004+08:00

The "ber" months signify a lot of things, especially when you're from this side of the world. The most popular would be OKTOBERFEST - where all of Manila's drunkards get even more drunk by intoxicating themselves silly with vast amounts of San Miguel Beer every weekend. In a country where beer is even cheaper than water on normal days, Oktoberfest season will have beer at P1 a cup. (Yeah, it's total drunk haven if you like beer.) So that's one..

Another would be the fact that Christmas here in Manila actually starts 3 months before December. As early as September, malls start to put up their Christmas decor, and cheesy Christmas carols start to blare from every damn overhead speaker. Filipinos love Christmas with a passion. We plan our whole year around it, and we work our budget to accomodate all the presents we have to give, as early as January or February (depending on whether or not you still have some cash left over after you've splurged on your Valentine's present.. if you even have one).

As for me (and this I have proven), the "ber" months signify that I'm usually a lot more broke than I was at the start of the year (duh). Either that, or I'm just a little bit heavier than I was months ago. It's totally depressing... which is why I've somehow managed to stay in bed for more than 12 hours the past few days, EVERYDAY. Plus it's been raining like crazy lately, so it's making me lethargic as hell.

Blah

2008-10-06T19:12:00.002+08:00

Don't you just hate it when you say one thing, and it's meant to be that thing, but then others pick it up as a different thing? It's severely annoying and it's a pain having to explain yourself. Earlier on today, I was having a discussion with someone about something, and then for some reason what I had said was taken out of context, resulting in a pseudo argument, wherein a decision (a very rash one at that) was made out of spite. I guess I should never assume anything at all anymore. I thought I already had this no assumptions thing down pat, but apparently not. Oh well, lesson learned..

Unwell

2008-09-30T13:57:00.002+08:00

I absolutely hate being sick. And right now I am sick as a dog. I've been so out of it for the past few days that it's just not cute at all. I am annoyed beyond all reason.

I want soup.

Nosebleed

2008-09-16T19:57:00.004+08:00

I had the absolute longest day today in class. And quite frankly, the term "info overload" comes to mind. We started class earlier than the scheduled time, and ended later than what was also scheduled. It's been a really long day. And I don't think I've ever had so much homework in years. It was absolutely insane.

I'm staring at all these handouts and books and my mind just stopped working. So it's now time to unwind and visit the locale around.

At least I'll sleep better tonight. I so can't wait to get down and get a drink. Those Singapore Slings are looking pretty good right now, and I'm now really thirsty. A back massage would be good too come to think of it.

I..

2008-09-15T22:28:00.001+08:00

..have just quit smoking. (for how long, time can only tell.)
..have a bad migraine.
..am having a nosebleed because of my homework.
..have no time to gallivant around Singapore.
..am looking forward to Wednesday night with Pia and Daughn.
..think I should get in touch with Kaye while I'm in Singapore.
..should probably get started on my homework now.
..love this country (I think I already mentioned that somewhere)

View Outside

2008-09-14T21:42:00.003+08:00

So here's the view (night and day versions) from outside my balcony. This hotel has 70 floors and I'm on the 48th floor.

Swissotel The Stamford

2008-09-14T21:26:00.003+08:00

I totally love my hotel room in Singapore, it has a balcony that overlooks the city and it's huge. It's totally comfortable, I think I could get really comfy for the next few days. I love this city.

Vanity Fair

2008-09-03T02:51:00.002+08:00

The vain don't complain baby..

Heat Wave

2008-09-01T20:20:00.002+08:00

I don't normally swear on my blog, but fuck it's freaking hot. It's so not funny. I swear this time I think I really lost 5 lbs just sitting down in this heat. And I took 4 showers today.

No kidding.

Water

2008-08-29T20:36:00.003+08:00

I chanced upon this today as I was deleting pics off my iPhoto library. This picture was taken sometime last year in Australia at Noosa. We pulled up onto this tiny island that had signs saying "no pedestrian access". Something about wildlife preservation something something.. We didn't know until we saw the damn signs of course.

Time sure has flown by fast since then.

Couldn't help but think that being submersed in water would probably be relaxing right about now. This picture made me want the beach even more..

Flat

2008-08-27T21:38:00.004+08:00

Totally.

I feel flat and uninspired. There are about a hundred other places I'd rather be at, and about a hundred more things I'd rather be doing at this minute. Back in bed sleeping would be one of them.

Plus I think I broke my pinky toe too.. sigh.

Gulp

2008-08-23T04:59:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I ended up attending this huge IBM management get together at the main IBM HQ location. Needless to say, because it was held right smack in the middle of the day (read: noon), I was not a happy camper by the time I got there seeing as how I had worked the night before. I had just worked my 1st shift (read: graveyard), and decided that I might as well go straight into the next one (read: double shift) to accomodate the forum. You could tell a lot of other people from our business unit had adjusted their schedules just to attend it as well. There were a number of folks sporting huge sunglasses and carrying venti sized coffee cups from Starbucks. I (decked out in 6 inch heels) was not an exeption. I too grumbled along with everyone else.

After the huge IBM lunch, Marian and I decided we eeded to arm ourselves with coffee before actually attending the event so we headed to Starbucks to get ourselves triple shots of the strongest stuff they had. I walked in through the doors.. and it was IBM land. Every single person in that branch was from IBM. You could tell from the way they (or I guess I should now say "we") looked and talked. Impeccably dressed men and women in little clumps all talking about what IBM does.. business.

The auditorium where the event took place was even worse. I realize now, that you simply cannot put a bunch of IBM'ers in a room and expect them to sit still for even an hour without them tinkering on their thinkpads, or catch them with their fingers unglued to their phones. It just cannot happen. The poor host, after reinforcing that everyone keep their laptops away, just gave up after a while. It was funny as hell.

Oli and I decided to entertain ourselves by throwing snide comments here and there, and discussing in detail whether or not we thought this 1 guy we worked with had a toupee or not. It was totally productive of course. Later on during the latter part of the day, Marian ended up picking up several calls while still inside the auditorium because several people were alrady on the phones anyway. I was a little more discreet, and did all my work-related conversations through text, with my fingers feverishly typing away on my phone under the table. Oli finally decided that he had had enough of it and started to doodle several versions of the batman logo on his paper. When he wasn't doing that, he was writing notes to me, I would then write back.. and we were just right next to each other. A major highlight would be the smokers being shooed away from the front of the building by security and Oli trampling in mad disgust on the immaculate bushes (read: please do not walk on the grass type of thing) in retaliation to it.

There was some value to it though don't get me wrong. There WERE key aways (and hand outs hehe) that I had gotten from that forum. It was just done in the wrong part of the day and to a much larger audience for it to be efficient.

Thank god for Starbucks though.

Heidi's Wish List

2008-08-16T14:10:00.004+08:00

For no reason at all, I decided to destress by dreaming of the stuff that I want to have. It may sound materialistic and shallow, but hell, sometimes envisioning the pretty things you want keep you going.. So not in any order at all are the things on my wish list. I sure hope Santa comes through this year..

1) Blankets - Craig Thompson's graphic novel is the hardest to find I swear.

2) PSP - it doesn't have to be gold of course, although I wouldn't mind it. But then Gavin might have issues with a gold one.

3) DS Lite - I think I want the pink one.

4) Technomarine - I've always been drawn to watches for some reason and that's why I collect them. I don't have a real sporty type of watch yet so this black one would be my pick. I used to have a pink Technomarine with a silver face, and I used to wear it a lot, but for some reason I can't find it now. 5) Macbook Pro - enough said. I want this so bad it's not even funny.

6) iPhone - I haven't gotten my iPhone yet, but when i do get it, I want this red Paul Frank case on it. And yes it has to be red. I regret not having picked this up in the US the last time I was there. At the time, I didn't see the need for it (for obvious reasons), but now that I am waiting for the iPhone to come to town.. I want this too.

Randomitis II

2008-08-11T18:42:00.004+08:00

I used to want 8 kids can you believe?! I guess being an only child, it was normal to want the exact opposite of what I had. But now that I think about it, it wasn't bad at all. Every kid around me that had siblings wished they didn't have any. It's a bit silly of course. Now that I already have my own pride and joy though, I realize that I like the fact that I have my own "only child". I think I could do 1 more, but that's about it. 8 would just be silly..
Lawsuits are messy, painful and stressful. They take up so much umnecessary energy and necessary money. And it turns the sanest, most logical of us into blood hungry snarling animals. Admittedly, I am not an exception to this.
Lotus Notes has got to be the most complicated program I have ever used in my life. Why can't we keep things simple? It took me more than 10 minutes to figure out how to send out a meeting maker. Geez..
The weather this weekend has been insane and I must have lost at least 3 lbs by just sitting in it. Then again, drinking enough to alcohol to quench my thirst though, probably put those 3 lbs back.
I need more memory for my macbook. I swear to god if I have to see that damn beach ball of death spin one more time I will end up shooting someone.
Time management - what a great concept I have yet to see put to good use.
I cannot believe I missed the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies. It's unheard of and I'm irritated with myself for missing it. I always watch the opening ceremonies!
I had a great weekend hanging out with old friends and catching up with one another. It sucks that some of my closest friends are scattered all across the globe, but it makes for great vacation planning because I get to travel elsewhere to see them. It's a great excuse to get out and hop on a plane.
I don't understand why (months after) some people (person) still end up doing idiotic things like send out silly emails to perfectly peace loving individuals. Sure it's great entertainment, but at the end of the day, you have got to question all the trouble exerted for it.
I have the worst craving for Thai food right now. In fact if I didn't have to sleep so I can actually wake up to my alarm (and not snooze it to fall back asleep right after), I would be at Serendra right now having the most amazing food at Thai Silk.
Doubt - there's so much of that right now. I wish they could all just be erased. Sometimes reassuring words will not make things better. I'd rather something was actually done about it so I can feel it. Because if not, it all just becomes pointless and a sheer waste of time.
I just checked my goody bag and I still have a boatload of chocolates left over! (YAY)
I hate how sometimes the people who you want to matter to you are millions of miles away and worse, no matter how hard you try to make things work, what you put across through the miles somehow gets lost in tran-atlantic translation.

Perception Management

2008-08-04T04:06:00.007+08:00

I hate those sudden bursts of realizations that slap you in the face when you least expect it and make you feel totally idiotic afterwards. For instance, doing something you totally put your heart 100% into, only to find out that those actions (and intentions) were somehow perceived as something other than what it really was. It kind of stings like crazy.

I realize now in retrospect just how naive (for lack of a better term) I may have been to believe that something I perceived as great could be looked at differently. Perceptions kill sometimes.

I've realized that trying our best doesn't always guarantee that the outcome will be favorable. Some things are beyond our control. I can't control how another person will react or feel about a situation, and I guess I also can't make another person apologize for being the way that he/she is.

But I know enough now to know that I will be more careful about my choices. It's a learning experience, and a humbling one at that too.

Air Sick

2008-07-29T16:14:00.003+08:00

I just got off the plane from Seattle, and it was by far the absolute worst flight I've ever been on in my entire life. Sitting in cattle class for 11 hours to get from the US to Asia did not, and will never make a happy camper out of me. It was the absolute worst.

To begin with, I was already sick when I got on the plane. Then I realized I had done the unthinkable and packed my motion sickness pills with my check in luggage. Anyone who's ever been on a plane with me will know that I cannot survive without those pills. And on an 11 hour flight... damn.

So naturally, everything got magnified beyond control at that point. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't hold down water, and no one could talk to me. The crying kids did not help at all as well. I'm usually the one who can stand the crying children on the plane (seeing as how I have 1 myself), but without my pills, I am incapable of compassion.

I had to be reseated near the restrooms and one of the more understanding Japanese passengers decided to lend me his noise canceling headphones so I could at least sleep (and I guess so he could as well because I was practically bawling). What happened though was that I found the weight of it on my head too heavy so that didn't work either.

I was in tears half the time, restless as hell, and I developed a fever. If anything though, I have to commend the NW crew.. they were kind enough to look after me, and the one assigned to our main cattle cabin was even changing the cold towel on my head every 2 hours or so.

I just want to get home now so I can crawl in bed.

Home

2008-07-28T17:56:00.003+08:00

Finally I'm heading home.

I'm waiting for my flight.. I've a couple of hours left (yes hours) before I board. For some reason, the Sacramento airport is like a ghost town (well it IS 3am after all).

So yeah, this is me waiting.. ipod, macbook.. just waiting now.

I Wish..

2008-07-25T03:12:00.002+08:00

So here I am once again sitting in an airport and waiting for my (sigh.. again) delayed flight out of Sacramento. At this point, I find that I'm not as upset as I was, or as livid about missing my connecting flights, and getting to where I need to be at on time, etc. I'm getting used to it, and this process has now become the norm in my eyes. So I'm okay..

This is going to sound really strange but I now find some sort of peace as I sit here and wait for my flight to get called. When I'm at the office, at home, or at the hotel, I feel that there are just too many things that I have to do, and things that had to get done.. like yesterday. But here at the airport, with everything I know I have to do for work, I find that I can blog.

It's that weird kind of atmosphere I guess.

Flighty

2008-07-19T00:55:00.004+08:00

I absolutely hate how hard it has become nowadays to travel. The exorbitant fares and rates are bad enough, but the hassle of getting to and from locations is just insane. Sigh, so here I am, stuck at the Minneapolis airport, waiting for my flight out to San Francisco. This is not the first time my flight got delayed at Minneapolis mind you. Coming in from Manila, my connecting flight from Minneapolis to Indianapolis was 3 hours delayed as well.

Traveling has become what it is.. a bitch.

Last year, when I had to fly out to the midwest for business, it was the exact same way. It's insane! Why is it so effing hard to get to where you need to be? It doesn't help that the airport staff think that they're the smartest lot in the world as well.

I've traveled extensively all my life, been to more than 14 countries, and this has just become plain stupid..

I hate coming to the US because I get picked on.

After 9/11, Security treats everyone who doesn't own a blue passport like crap. It's just plain silly. And it's annoying me to no end.

Screwing up effing flight schedules, and this crap about the oil hike is not effing going to stop planes from crashing into buildings.

Duh.

Back in the Midwest

2008-07-13T19:40:00.002+08:00

I'd been meaning to blog for the longest time, but (as always) life just keeps on getting in the way of my usual blog post schedule, so it's been quite a while since I last posted.

So, I'm back in Indiana again! And it's just so much better than the last time I was here.. in every aspect of the word. For instance, the snow's gone (thank god.. I barely survived last time).. It's actually quite lovely now. The last time it was a mass expanse of white everywhere, and now it's lush green. It's been good.

I'm here for work again (like last time). And it's been good so far..

I know this is a pathetic post but I'm in a hurry and I need to get ready to go out.

Spaces

2008-06-29T06:20:00.006+08:00

I love architecture! I love anything that has to do with it, which explained my awe for most of the structures around when I was in Chicago early this year. I like urban and concrete jungles.. There's a certain beauty to them that I consider to be art. I also really like residential spaces. I love looking at houses! It's a pastime.. that and interior design (which I've been told I can get pretty good at).

So last night I decided not to go out. After 4 - 5 weeks straight of being out every Saturday, I got lazy and decided to stay home. Well, I was recovering from the flu to begin with, and to be honest I didn't really feel that presentable to the public, so I stayed home instead. AND that is why I was able to find these pictures of funky homes online. I was up early today and voila, I found these. They're homes from all over the world.

Stormy Weather

2008-06-23T05:59:00.005+08:00

I don't know how many times I've blogged about storms and how I either love it (at the time) or hate it, but I know I have blogged about it numerous times.. well, this will be another one of those times.

As is usual at this time of the year in Manila, the rainy season has begun. It's been wet the entire weekend, and yesterday it didn't stop pouring at all. The power cut out yesterday morning too, much to my son's disappointment (right smack in the middle of one of his favorite TV shows, Tom and Jerry). Thank god it cut out in the morning, so we were still able to read and play a little bit due to some daylight.

When the power turned back on a few hours later, I was feeling lethargic and lazy so I plunked myself in bed in front of the plasma and watched the entire 1st season of Cashmere Mafia in one go, all 7 episodes of it. I saw the 1st 2 episodes in the US early this year and so when I flew home and saw the DVD, I just got it so I could watch it "when I have time". Well time is what I had yesterday, so yes I did the gross couch potato thing and sat through 7 hours of Cashmere Mafia.

I was totally relaxed. I even had a masseuse come over yesterday evening, and I indulged in an entire hour and 1/2 of it. It was so good. She said there were a lot of knots on my back though (which she painfully tried to loosen up). So now I have patches of topical analgesic on my back because of the pain it caused me. It's really really painful but I know I shouldn't complain..

This "stormy weather" actually has a name, and it's called Typhoon Frank. It nearly sank one of our provinces, Ilo-Ilo and it affected 34,000 people. Most of it (or what's left of it) is now submerged. People had to spend the night on their rooftops in the rain and there's actually a death toll (more than 100 now) too. It's that type of calamity.

So I'm lucky and I'm not complaining anymore.

Retail Therapy

2008-06-20T10:05:00.003+08:00

This needs no introduction.

Every woman salivates at the thought of retail therapy to get over either a break up, or a stressful week/month at work. I admittedly, am one with the female race when it comes to retail therapy. I in fact embrace every chance at it with open arms.

With thoughts of my upcoming trip to the US, and sinful thoughts and mental images of the things I want from Margot's In Style magazine, I have now decided to start planning for my upcoming retail therapy in the US. (It keeps me up honestly.)

Furthermore, Gavin has now started school, and I think of that as a major milestone in my life. Not only that, he's only 3 (turning 4 in July), and he's already been accepted in Kindergarten 1 (5 year old level) because he's exceptionally smart (ahem ahem.. smart boy = smart mom). So I think I need to reward myself for that. I have a 3 year old who can carry on a conversation like he was a 6 year old, who can do simple addition and subtraction, who has already been to 3 countries, and who can already understand 3 languages. So yeah, I think my boy and I deserve a treat for that.

I'm counting the days now.

F.T.O.T.D

2008-06-19T18:48:00.003+08:00

(Those letters, my dear friends stand for "favorite time of the day".)

So it's my favorite time of the day now.. it's dusk. The weather's been really nice today. I left work at around 5am, had breakfast with a friend, and then headed home right after that. I noticed that the weather was cooler than usual this morning, and I wondered why. At around 11am I got my answer.. it started to rain.

I slept well because the sound of the rain lulled me to sleep deeper. It was awesome, I needed that deep sleep. I got up a bit earlier though because of the thunder. It was all good though, I hauled myself out of bed because I had to do some work. The past few days had been a bit crazy. I wasn't able to catch up on my emails because I'd been in and out of meetings.

I find that I can be a lot more productive for some reason when I work from home. I know that concept totally kills the whole quality time with the family thing, and I'm guilty now that I think about it. But I don't know, there's a certain peace that I get when I plug in from home. I guess it's because I know that eventhough I'm working, my son is just nearby and within reach, and sometimes hearing his mad outbursts or ear-splitting shrieks is comforting.

I was able to get a lot done, and look.. I even had time to blog.

Maybe it's the weather.

Happy Thoughts

2008-06-18T03:52:00.002+08:00

I so want the white one. But the black one rocks as well. The iPhone rocks!

Heidi is..

2008-06-16T04:15:00.002+08:00

Excited..

It's Gavin's first day of regular school today (as compared to the summer program I enrolled him in just recently)! Wow, that's definetely another milestone for me! I have mixed emotions about it all. I'm happy, but sad at the same time, and a bit apprehensive because I don't know if I'll end up crying or what. Damn.. school.. How time flies. Where did it all go? Where have I been?

Annoyed..

Well with myself anyway. I just opened up my task list for work and realized I had missed 3 tasks that I was supposed to close last week, but for some reason didn't do. Damnit! I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I end up forgetting to close work-related tasks. Argh!

Happy..

My lolas' home! She's finally home! It's been an extremely stressful past few days because I was worried as hell about my lola. She's been sick lately as I had mentioned, and it got quite scary for a while back there, but she is home now. Well.. she's very weak, but I admire her fighting spirit and I love the fact that pulled through still out of this one. She'll live to be a 100 I tell you. You wait and see..

Numb..

I'm a big advocate of the whole "no one else can motivate you but yourself" statement. I believe that we're each driven by a personal "something" (and that can mean anything), and that "something" - someone/someplace/goal/dream/ambition/want/need, or what have you is our driving force behind all our actions and decisions. And it's pretty plain and simple that given all that, the lack of action or decision due to demotivation (and drive) stems from the fact that you must not have really wanted it at all to begin with.

Hungry..

I had stale kettle corn just earlier when I got up. But now I want real food. I'm hungry.. an iced tall non fat caramel macchiatto would so do right now. Or some ice cream.. yum. One of the things I'd like to do before I die is take up culinary arts. It would be so cool to cook for a living. I love food, and I know I cook well because I enjoy everything about food. Just imagine if I could get paid for it as well. Hmm..

Irritated..

I gained weight! It's pissing me off because it's been so inconsistent. God why can't my weight just stabilize! Ugh..

Looking forward to..

My US trip sometime in July. I need to fly out to the US with my boss sometime in July for a few days for a meeting and a site tour of one of the clients we work with. I super love air trips. Wouldn't mind the shopping as well to be honest. I do need to pick up a few things.

Waiting..

In vain. Always.

Woohoo oh Wow

2008-06-10T16:50:00.002+08:00

Drama Queen.

God, what I'd give to be in that spot right now (roll eyes here). I expect it must be liberating to play the part, well any part I guess, but no.. playing the victim would be the greatest role. Ever.

Jetting off to far off places to "heal" and to distance yourself, cutting off all lines of communication, severing all ties.. it's so glamorous, and oh so saintly. You are indeed THE hero.

You do not exist to me. You are irrelevant. You are hilarious because you seek the attention you once had.

Sticks and stones WILL break your bones, but YOUR words will never hurt me.

I'm so uber popular, it's almost shameful.

Nirvana..

2008-06-10T03:47:00.003+08:00

I've been so tired the past few days and weeks - both physically and mentally. For some reason, at the end of each week (lately anyway), I find myself so exhausted that I end up sleeping for more than 10 hours.. but then I wake up still with that exhausted feeling. It's pure agony. That's why this 3 day weekend was something that I was looking forward to, and was anticipating to be something close to nirvana even. Or so I thought.

Yesterday morning, I had gotten word that my lola (Filipino for "grandmother") was very sick. I got the call in the morning and that pretty much set off my day in the worst way. I was worried sick, stressed beyond anything and I felt even more tired. I hate that feeling. I couldn't sleep, and I would wake up restless and cranky. Also, apart from my lola's condition, I had a lot of things on my mind and that was adding up to it.

I got up just a few minutes ago after a nap (another one), but it was unlike any nap that I've had (or full night/day sleep) for the longest time. I actually had a good dream, and I woke up with the strangest feeling of peace. I wasn't cranky or restless at all. It was a good dream, a weird one yes, but a good one nonetheless. I haven't had a good dream like that in ages.

Peace.. what a truly fabulous feeling.

Who Am I

2008-06-09T11:25:00.006+08:00

Nope, that is not one of my videos playing.

Yep, that is embedded music.

(I've always been a fan of ambient world music.. it relaxes me)

And yeah, you should listen to the entire song.

(I'll change the music based on my mood.)

And right now, it's this.

(This playlist is also on my Multiply page.)

Binge binge baby

2008-06-09T01:41:00.003+08:00

I love long weekends! I don't get a lot of it, so I relish it when I do get it. The past 2 days have been absolutely wonderful and I'm salivating at the fact that I get 1 more day to actually rest.

So what have I been doing? I've been an absolute sloth.. I spent almost 80% of my Saturday and Sunday in bed sleeping and catching up on some lost Zz's time. I spent some time with Gavin last Saturday as well which we both really enjoyed, we went to watch Kung Fu Panda, did a bit of shopping, and also burned a bit of time at Timezone. (Sniff sniff, I really do have a big kid now.)

Saturday night was fun too.. I think I totally overdid the whole alcohol thing (did the whole walk of shame thing at around 4:30am), and I think I ate a little bit too much for my tummy's liking but hey, the music was good, the bass was earth shattering (which is how it should be), the drinks went down smooth, and the company was good too. I had a LOT on my mind and I welcomed the fact that a little intoxication (or a lot) eased that up a bit.

I am looking forward to my 1 more day of solitude and relaxation. Not even a few unwanted calls from the uneducated, unloved, and total lack of breeding neanderthal folk from that "place" can get me down. A massage would do at this point I think..

Yipee!

On high rotation

2008-06-05T21:02:00.005+08:00

Dance Dance

2008-06-05T20:23:00.002+08:00

Celtic Monkeys.. cute (scary).

Random Thought

2008-06-05T17:30:00.000+08:00

A woman needs a reason to cheat, a man just needs a woman.

Indeed.

Disappointment

2008-06-05T04:51:00.005+08:00

I hate getting disappointed, and I guess you can say it takes a lot to really get me to that point. I'm usually the one who "understands" all the time, the one who will be "nice" to people eventhough they've done wrong..

Lying would be considered a huge disappointment for me. Especially if I catch someone doing it to me more than once. White lies, black lies, minor exxagerations, or in some cases major info omissions.. they're all effing lies.

It's offensive, it's insulting, it's degrading, and most of all, it's disrespectful to me.

Yeah?

Bloggerhea Randomitis

2008-06-01T22:04:00.004+08:00

Bloggerhea: defined (by another blogger) as the urge to blog even when you don't really have anything interesting to blog about.

So with that definition in mind, I came up with my own terminology.

Bloggerhea Randomitis: defined (in the book by Heidi) as the urge to blog even when I don't really have just 1 interesting topic to blog about, and in place of just writing absolute BS for no reason at all, just writing totally random thoughts and/or feelings that I am thinking/feeling at the moment.

1. I'm eating Meiji Galbo chocolates now. I'm totally addicted to Japanese chocolates at the moment, and earlier at the grocery, I ended up buying one too many packs of these addicting Galbo chocolates. Damn it, there goes the damn diet.

2. Now both Oli and Agnes are in Australia, and I am left all alone here (sniffle sniffle sniffle). So that's the both of them there, plus J.. sigh.

3. It rained earlier so it's effing humid. It feels like all the heat from the ground suddenly decided to steam out and attempt to make people feel "warm".

4. I missed Iron Man on the big screen. I'll probably get it on DVD this week so I can watch it (hehe).

5. I've decided that I don't like the Crocs shoes at all. I actually own a pair of ballerina flats (prima) by Crocs, but they're not too comfy at all. It was a waste of money.

6. I think I'll try my hand at designing t-shirts. I've done the accessory and bag design, so I think I want to do shirts next.

7. I want a black Macbook. The white one I have is getting annoying.. with how I work, and with the amount of data I have in it, it's just silly to keep on operating off it. It's starting to hang, and so I need a new one.

8. God, Gavin turns 4 this year.. ARGH! Where has the time gone?!

9. I STILL feel fat.

10. I think I want to go down and get ice cream. But then again, I already had chocolates so I think I better forget that idea.

11. I really enjoyed my Saturday night. There's nothing like having a relaxing dinner amongst old friends, then cocktails al fresco while listening to live acoustic bands, and then finally having hard core cocktails while gyrating to loud bassy-in-your-face music at a club. Nice..

12. I forgot the password to one of my email accounts. And I'm annoyed because I just changed it yesterday. Life would be less complicated if I didn't have to worry about emails and passwords, and actually remembering them. Sigh..

13. The VPN to get to my office emails isn't working and I'm not appreciating the fact that I'm not getting information regarding work whenever I need it, when I'm not physically at the office.

14. I'm getting sleepy. I had a huge dinner and I'm full.

15. I hope this week turns out to be better than last week.

The Preacher

2008-05-31T09:12:00.002+08:00

Ultimately, we do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do.

Maturity comes with a price. Sometimes it's sacrificing what we think will make us happy.

It's all perception at the end of the day.

This and That

2008-05-26T05:15:00.010+08:00

I was rereading some of my posts and I realized that if you read some of the entries that I've written lately, it just seems that nothing is going on, when in fact a lot is going on. So instead of writing all about it.. I just decided to post pictures.

To start off, I cut my hair! I actually felt a lot lighter, and just better overall. I was a bit hesitant at first but I actually like the outcome. I thought I'd end up looking fat, but thank god I don't!

My pseudo self-portrait.

The "notebook"

This is something that I got about a month ago from my staff. It actually came as a surprise and at the right time too I think. I have a total of about 15 people in my team at work, and they had all chipped in to get me this notebook. They had also all written me letters about how they appreciated me as their manager, friend, etc. and it was just really nice. I was so surprised and it actually made me cry. I don't know how I got so lucky. I guess I must be doing something right..

We were "remodeling" our area so this is what my work area looked for a while. I was happy because I had 2 desks, one for each of my portables.. but still geez.. look at my mess.

A few nights ago, a friend and I decided to do the food trip rush at 2am (because we were starving our assess off) so we ended up at Yoohoo's, in the damp and humid weather, and ordering almost half the menu. It was yummy though.

Banoffee Pie.. comfort food (and yep, they spelled my name wrong yet again!)

Me and Oli with during one of the anniversary events during the week.

My pink hand for the poster! (It felt kind of gross..)

JM being creative.

Tired after handing out cookies..

I'll post more pictures soonish. But overall, THAT is what I've been up to lately.

Party baby yeah!

2008-05-26T01:52:00.002+08:00

After weeks of preparation, negotiation and creative brain wracking.. the finale of our anniversary activities is finally all set and ready to roll tonight. There were some last minute hitches with the price of the kegs, but it all worked out in the end! Looking back, I think I could've spent more time on the preparation and planning, and less time on the stressing. But after much consideration, nit picking, and constant badgering, I am now satisfied. I know I didn't really write too much about the details that went into the whole prep, but in a nutshell, it was hectic, stressful but fulfilling at the end.

I love events management. I think I could be really good at it. I think it's because I'm cheesy in some way. I love everything about it.. from the research, the haggling, the final prep, and then the actual event. It takes a lot of timing and coordination and the 2 wonderful ladies that I've been working with were just fantastic, so I think tonight will be a success!

Watch out for pictures!

Told you so..

2008-05-25T19:49:00.002+08:00

Yeah yeah, I know.

I'm a fool.

God, I'm so pathetic.

Someone shoot me now please.

Woman Power

2008-05-22T16:38:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, a few of us from work were asked to model for International Women's Day.. So the marketing team did a research on the women in the company, and we (all 8 of us) were chosen to be the ambassadors for women's day. I was really flattered that I was asked, and it made me proud because I was recognized for my single working mom balancing act, and also the fact that I want to write children's books.

These pics also came out in the newspaper. And now our pictures, being company property and all, are used in some of the communication that is blasted out to the enterprise.

I think I look fat though.

Craving.. Major Craving

2008-05-16T18:40:00.001+08:00

It is..

2008-05-15T17:18:00.000+08:00

Really.

I have no other words to say.

Itchy

2008-05-15T02:25:00.002+08:00

I feel fat and ugly. And my face is itchy. I'm starting to get wrinkles, and I almost freaked out because I detected a hint of crow's feet in some of my pictures.

I need to sleep.